ignoring the impressions!

i've had a better day and things are going better since i've specifically prayed for God to lead me despite my definite decision and determination to ignore the impressions to do this or that or not do this or that. this decision was made like a day ago.

i smiled more and laughed more today.
i ignored the impressions and actually got less of them.
i had more joy and peace, which is what God gives and what He wants for me.

i talked to my grandmother tonight about it.
she lives in tennessee.
she was happy to hear things are better.

i have hope, cause though i was convinced 100% that the voices were God (again, due to the nature of my kind of schizoaffective disorder),
i am now 100% convinced they are not him, so i know now i'm on my way with the impressions!

i still hear voices and they disturb me, but i don't get them as much, cause of God's healing and grace, the truth that came out finally that they are not God, and me ignoring them.

a note about the voices, they can also be evil voices. i get those mainly when i'm really ill and not on meds or the right meds.

God says in His word to increase in faith, hope, and love and righteousness, peace and joy. I have told God I want to do His will and I want these things.
I want to live a holy life and follow after the Holy Spirit.
so i've asked Him to plant in me the desires He wants for my life in my heart so that i desire them and do them, with His strength.
i feel like i'm diving into the deep end...it's good...cause it's an act of faith, a very uncommon, unusual one.
to have faith that God will still guide me and love me.
and i just have to believe He is.
i am asking Him to make the impressions stop.

as a friend at NAMI told me the other night, she wished she had a voice telling her what to do when she doesn't know what to do.
it seems like it would be comforting. initially it was, but the nature of this illness is for the voices and whatnot to "affect" the emotions in a negative way.
and that's what happens when i get a voice or impression.
sure it was bittersweet when i was bored and depressed, but it made me more depressed, cause the voices are flat, not loving, and go nowhere, with no comfort, depth, or purpose.

it is so wonderful to be at this point of some victory over my illness.
i give God the glory for His light, peace, truth, healing, and grace.

i was reading last night in the Bible a scripture that i believe God was speaking to me through:  "whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work." --2 Corinthians 9:6-8

when i get an impression to do something, it's like a compulsive/abrupt leading and a harsh demand to do it or else...not from my heart at all! and definitely not cheer-inspiring.
i only feel reluctant to do something, or under compulsion, when the impressions come.

the grace of God is what really stuck out in this scripture. God gives grace and sufficiency...the ability to do good things and His will. His Holy Spirit moves through believers of Christ.
when the Holy Spirit is working in me, it feels natural, not forced. i am more loving and gentle, peaceable, patient and kind. that's what it means to shine one's light in the dark places. be Christ to a lost world.
that's what i want to do. not reluctantly, or under some forceful/abrubt command...but cause God loves that others, loves me and wants me to love God and my neighbor. He wants us to live holy and pure lives through His enabling and grace.

mental illnesses are very painful and challenging to live with and work through, no matter what the nature of the illness is.
but i am thankful, with God, there's hope and healing.

A friend from the NAMI meetings I attend called me today.
it was a pleasant conversation.
i was mainly trying to encourage him, listen, and relate any experiences of my own to him.

my mom went to the nami family to family group tonight.
bless her. i feel bad she has to go, though she wants to, cause i feel she's doing it for me.
i thank her. 

family to family is an educational course through NAMI that teaches family of people with mental illnesses about their illness.

My mom and I got to talk some today.
i was chatty today. more perky.
most definitely a God thing and cause i have less weight on my mind and depressive reactions to impressions...cause i don't feel confined to them and under their weight. i don't have to be. i'm choosing not to be. 

i must renounce the impressions that intrude on my conversations and emails with people that tell me that i'm saying the WRONG THING.
paleeze. it's like, how discouraging and discomforting and confidence ending is that?
so, not God.
done with that. if they come, i'll just give it to God and think better thoughts to replace them...overcoming evil with good, as God's word says to. 

They came today when i was on the phone and while emailing a friend.

I am thankful for friends and family that are acting as (caring) sounding boards and hearts for me in my expression of my struggles with my illness and working through it with God's help. I believe God can heal me and I give Him the glory for the good and the healing i've experienced particularly in the last year. 

the fact that others that care about me do not undermine the intensity or magnitude of my struggle and suffering is big.

i will stop now. 

thank you for reading. 

i hope you are well and good today. 

--His beloved

after tonight's meeting

i seriously need to put down some updates here.
i went to my NAMI group meeting tonight.
it was a good meeting. we split into women and men. first time for me. it was nice for a change.
i got to know some new people.
i got about three new emails.
i will discuss what went on and what goes on, with confidentiality of course, in the future.
my dad took us.
he went to the family support group next door while i was in mine.
we talked on the way there and back, as usual.
it's quite a ways there for us, but worth it every time we go.
My parents usually alternate taking me. this way we can talk on the way there and back and they can go to the family meeting...
but mainly, my car is not sufficient to drive such a long way.
also, with the intense emotional and mental experiences that these meetings usually are, as well as them being at night, i never have felt--even with sufficient transportation--that i'd be safe and comfortable going alone.

in the last week, i've deleted my youtube channel and have started a new one just today.
i also removed myself from facebook and took my profile pic down from myspace (which was already set to private).
also, my site that i broadcast myself doing podcasts and singing has been deleted. (i think...it may just be that i removed what was on them).
the primary reason was that i didn't want any former bf's or my xh to find me. i was uncomfortable with him and them seeing my profile pic even on facebook. it keeps me, also, from being tempted to look up my xh, who i just discovered recently is in the arms of someone new. no jealousy. but it definitely stirred me a lot...just to think about him and all he did.
also, concerning fb, i rarely got responses from my friends. after about a year and a half of being on the site, i realized this was hurting me mentally and emotionally...not good for someone who's already delicate and fragile in these ways.
so it's freed me from some hidden grief and troubled emotions and thoughts that were buried or i didn't think were worthy of taking note. they were.

i hope to not make too long of a post here, as it's about 11 p.m.

i had one of the biggest psychotic episodes--that i've had in a very long time--for about 3+ hours in the last week that lingered in less dramatic ways in the days thereafter.
it was scary and harsh. voices, impressions, lies, misery. from about 11 p.m. to around 2:30 a.m.
but, praise Jesus Christ, because of answers to prayers, my parent's support and prayers, my meds, and the continuing healing and strengthening of my mind, it didn't get worse and worse, like it always does when i'm not on my meds (like in '06-'07 and some in '08-
09) or on the wrong meds (like in '08 and in september of '09).
i have, thankfully, been preserved from going to the hospital in the tail of '09 and last year.
i've been in hospitals four times since being diagnosed in '04.
i've been in a group home three.

i don't know specifically what brought it on.
i have ideas, not i'm not certain.

anyhow, praise Jesus Christ i'm better.

i am currently getting impressions occasionally throughout the day. i get voices in my head that mock me when i follow after the impressions. this is usual, at least.

I've been crying a lot lately.
the main reason is because i stopped taking my fluoxetine (generic prozac) for about two months.
at first, i didn't notice anything different. then around last month, i noticed when i started to think of something intense or very difficult in my life that i'm going through or have gone through--sometimes from years ago--i would get some light tears in my eyes, when thinking in the dark at night. they would cease soon thereafter though.
it was always accompanied by a prayer to God and/or some form of relinquishment to Him concerning the matter.
i haven't been able to have much of a deep emotional/sometimes necessary response, as well as any tears most of the time to thoughts or reflections of certain traumatic memories--whether from my illness, relationships, or facets of life's challenges--in so long, due to being on fluoxetine.
i didn't really realize that was the cause, till i was off of it long enough to find out.
i'm thankful, so thankful, for the opportunity to truly feel and grieve properly about some matters in my past and present, and to be able to surrender that and bring that before God with grieving, knowing He knows and understands completely. very healing and cleansing experience.

However, due to some unusual, consistent, circumstantial frustrations, as well as the frustrations of my illness, i have been crying a lot in the last week. sometimes for hours, off and on, almost always at night.
i love to play with makeup, but had to go without it a few days, due to the efforts of applying it being wasted through tears. messy.
nonetheless, i've started taking the fluoxetine--starting with 20 mg and now 40 mg a day--i believe it was Saturday, about three days ago. Since then, i haven't cried much at all. just teared up a couple of times. amazing.
the intense crying was really wearing on me. it was so taxing to my eyes and whole body and mind. it involved, at one point, some loud yelling and screaming from my mouth of frustration and pain.

now, as i have been, i'm praying that the circumstantial frustrations will cease or at least lighten, and that i will not react. there has been some improvement, thank the Lord.

when i was crying all that time, i was getting impressions incessantly (which the illness made to come off as God, as it mostly does, unless it's evil messages) that i shouldn't be crying for different reasons, like: "why are you crying...hmp...complaining like that...look at all I've blessed you with," with some environmental object to show what i've been blessed with highlighted in my view. very painful...to cry, and to cry to God, and get this all the while.
nevertheless, i even ended up thankfully crying to God about the the messages as well, which is hard.
i did, of course, repent over and over.
but, nevertheless, the whole experience was very frustrating, lonely, guilt-ridden, and confusing.
God is not the author of confusion, but of peace. He is merciful, gentle, and compassionate.
These are some of the biblical truths that i cleave to when i sense nothing but confusion intermingled with impressions and voices i'm not certain are God or not.

It's getting better, due to knowing the truth of the Bible.
I am being freed, though it has taken a long time--years--to reach this point, and i'm still in the battle daily.
Certain voices i've heard in my past that i have wondered if they were truly God or was certain were God, i now know, after years of struggling, that they were not.
What freedom.
Again, it's not cause I'm not intelligent or i'm just in the dark about the Truth of the Bible, or whatever, but again, that the illness is very good at convincing me it is God (the voice of the Holy Spirit). this has been the case since the first voice i heard in my head around February of '04.

nevertheless, the voices that are outside myself, i usually can gather, due to the hellish or intensely scary fact that they're there, are easier to put away as just my illness or satan.
i rarely at this time have voices outside myself, though i have to pray against loud sounds in this house, like a creak in the wall that comes out of no where when i'm lying there at night or am up late in front of the computer like now. it's like a loud attacking noise that frightens me. that's been going on for a few years.

My illness and the enemy uses scripture to back up it's messages as well.
One of the primary ones for a time was the verses that talk about hearing the voice of the Holy Spirit. in particular the one that says not to harden your heart when you hear it and of course, to do what it says. This voice, for me, was not the Holy Spirit, but my  illness that was referenced to me personally. (that sentence is hard to put down right now...forgive me for it's unclarity).

This is similar to what Satan did to Jesus in the desert. He used scriptures to tempt him and twisted the scriptures to try to deceive Him.
Nevertheless, Jesus Christ, while here on earth, just as i need to, took scripture to then defeat Satan.
An example for using scripture, which is my Sword of the Spirit (as it's called in Ephesians) when my illness or when satan attacks me:
I may get a voice that tells me something about my environment. Something i struggled with all day every day for a long time, particularly in '09, was voices like: "you see that lamp you got? you love that lamp. couldn't be better" in a dry, emotionless, almost mocking tone.
my emotional reaction is disconcertion and fear and alarm.
my mind is also confused and scrambling to sort through why i heard this and is it God or is it my illness, or is it me, or is it Satan. and why am i getting a voice?
i end up being only taxed, in pain, afraid, frustrated, alone, and confused.
God's word says that Jesus Christ has come that we might have life and have it to it's full. The enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy (what my illness does as well). It also says to come to Him all who are weary and heavy laden and He will give us rest for our souls. Voices and impressions do not give me rest for my soul. They take from that.
Also, God is the Prince of Peace...
He will never leave me nor forsake me.
He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
And even if a voice or impression is true, like the example given above, it does anything to set me free, unlike the Truth God gives: in His word and through the gentle convictions of His Holy Spirit about matters that are life altering and very meaningful to Him and that He wants to be meaningful to us.
Also, the fruits of His Holy Spirit are not derision, fear, confusion, doubt, but love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and self control.
His desire is for His children and believers in Christ to increase in faith, hope, and love, and righteousness, peace, and joy. i admit, i've been praying for these six spiritual fruits for a long time, even when in deep depression and psychosis, when i sensed anything but. but now, after these trials, i can say i am increasing in these things, but also have more compassion for those who are now going through what i went through, and still go through in some ways.
i believe i've had, by God's grace, faith, hope and love and righteousness, which have kept me from ever doing something to hurt myself (unless it was a naive attempt to diet crazily), or wanting to, and that the peace and joy are now growing more in me.
Another verse in the Bible that helps me to block the illness's lies and effects is that God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind!
Also, he is not the author of confusion, but of peace!

I apologize for not including the scripture references here.
It's really late, and my mind is a bit taxed.

I had a good day overall.
i went to the thrift store i haven't been to in weeks, due to their unfriendly staff and the store not making shopping there easier and possible, particularly with the clothes (no mirrors, and nasty/price-barrier dressing rooms).
i got a lot of housewares, though. no mirror needed for that, as my mom said today.
i got primarily stainless steel and glass decor. nothing was above $4!
i need to shine everything up.
i also found a lovely st. john's bay purse...i think it's leather...in a shade that matches a couple of leather pairs of shoes i have. just $3. lovely big pockets and a silver buckle snap in the front.
i enjoyed bringing it to the meeting tonight.

for clothing now, as fashion is a hobby for me (mostly since late '09), i go to goodwill or plato's closet (a consignment store).

i did go on a tangent a day ago for about 24 hours of wanting to lose a lot of weight.
i've gained weight this month that i definitely don't want hanging around any longer, and i don't want to gain any more either.
after 100% surety of wanting lose all the weight i've mostly peaceably gained since the beginning of September, i decided i wanted to continue enjoying the clothes i recently got in my size--some which i haven't gotten to wear yet.
i decided to just lose enough--about 10 pounds--to where i'm more comfortable and my clothes fit better. nothing obsessive. nothing drastic.
i am going to do so by doing what's worked for the last 10 years of my life: eating wholesome foods in limited quantities that don't tempt me to overeat (whole grains and veggies) and going to the store every day, so i don't have excess food sitting around to tempt me to eat more than i need in a day.
also, i will be more ambitious to move more, particularly through cleaning the house, dancing (i did for the first time last night--whoah, a bit different with more weight), and, yes, shopping. not kidding. it can be a workout, especially with clothing.

still practicing guitar most nights. discovering new artists and their songs as well.
pandora.com is great for that.

well, i guess i leave this blog with a lighter note tonight.
thank you for reading.

--His Beloved