random musings

Hi ya'll. 

I went tonight to the NAMI meeting, held once a week. 

My mom or dad takes me and they go to the family NAMI group, held at the same time. 

On the way there and back, it's a great time to talk, particularly about my illness or whatever else comes up. 

I haven't gone in two weeks, but a fellow attendee encouraged me this week to go, so i was thankful for the push to return. 

I am so thankful i did, for i was greatly encouraged and was able to say some good things to others. 

it's so much better than isolating as well. 

it's an opportunity to shine the light of Christ and love others. learn about others and myself. speak the truth in love. and, again, spend time with my parents.

The following are thoughts that came to me in two emails I just sent out to a couple of friends from NAMI meetings, so I apologize, it's a bit scattered sometimes.

Something that's going on tonight is that I feel like God is pulling away from me cause i'm not praying enough, due to the discouraging impressions that make me feel like I've failed or am failing Him every time i pray. These impressions do not inspire love, faith, and hope in me that Jesus Christ came to give me.
Recently my skin cleared up a lot, so tonight I'm getting lies attacking me telling me that I'm putting more confidence in my appearance rather than God, so God is going to let me have skin problems again because of it, so i'll look  to Him more instead of the relief of having less skin troubles (i've had for 7 years)
Can you see how tormenting and CONFUSING all this is?
God is NOT the author of confusion, fear, torment...He is the author of LOVE, peace, joy, righteousness, goodness, mercy, grace!
This is the truth, as well as other biblical truths, I have to look to when all is messy within me and around me...when i feel like a complete mess and failure and like God's going to allow worse things to come into my life cause of it. Garbage and lies.
I feel really sad and alone tonight because of this psychological and emotional experience. 

Lately, I'll get a impression/voice in my head when i suspect that i've received a message from my illness. It'll say something, like "what?" in a coy way. like: "what? i didn't say anything. hehe." evil. it's my illness. i hate it.

And of course, praise God, it's now rare that i receive messages from my environment that taunt me. For instance tonight, I was thinking about something that was on a billboard that we passed and the message on the billboard taunted me about it. I sighed within and gave it to God with urgency. 

that used to happen incessantly, for instance, with magazine covers in stores, books, pictures of art in my house, ect.

I'm thinking about someone I heard say recently that humor is what keeps him going. I like that he has a sense of humor. Nothing wrong with that. It helps me a great deal at times too. But I feel bad that that's all he says he has.
I pray that soon he will have faith in God. That's kept me alive...kept me from being suicidal. Jesus Christ has healed me of so much in regards to my illnesses. He's been so patient with me. So loving and merciful.
His word has helped me in times when I need to look to the Truth instead of listening to harsh voices and impressions that the illness puts forth as  Him (but aren't).
 

My thoughts and emotions are kind of taxed tonight.
I don't feel God's love. I know it's there, but my illness is stealing any sense of joy and peace and any sense of God's love tonight.
It's crazy, but the illness even uses scriptures against me and places horrendous guilt on me when i don't comply to what it's telling me to do, with the scripture backing it up. for instance, tonight, i was going to email a guy I'll call Luke from NAMI before i got an email from another NAMI attendee I'll call Lori. when i got her email, I was going to reply after emailing Luke...but then the verse: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you attacked me...and i felt terrible for doing anything but emailing Lori before Luke. ack! can you believe this?

Apart from the illness's frustrations, I tried to play some songs and record them, but I failed all like 15 takes.

Do you ever feel like everything is just falling apart?

I have so much to be thankful for, but it's just not been a happy night.
I'm sorry for a dampered post.

I've spoken of a guy in other posts that robbed me of so much for years. it took me years to heal in my mind and emotions, because of his abuse.

...my first official bf...he kind of courted me at an extremely eccentric coffeehouse. i first met him at another coffeehouse back in '06, when i was playing guitar in front of it in an alcove. 

i only intended to bring light into dark places back then, but it ended up snuffing out my light almost completely and led me down some very ungodly, immoral, and very ill and dark places.
I had no idea where i was going, as i was being told to do things from my illness, 100% believing and being convinced by my illness that it was God...the Holy Spirit.
I thought i was going to help him change and bring more beauty and purity and light to his life. The darkness--it was so dark--of his life and lifestyle and environment overtook me.
i just found out something not fun tonight. my homeless brother is in town still. he was here all through Christmas, though he didn't see me of hte family. that's something i talked about last week at NAMI. 

my mom told me tonight that he's been hanging out at the coffee house where this man and i hung out before i moved in in '06.

if i drive by there now, i see it and am so thankful i'm not where i was when i was going there in '06-'07 when i met the man. not on my meds, manic, hearing voices and doing what they said to do, and going from the light to more darkness, rather than the other way around.
while living with him, living a sinful lifestyle, he and my illness were telling me we were married. he was an evil man that just used me.
but i was too naive, delusional, and deceived to get out before nearly being crushed by the darkness there and had no choice but to.

i ended up in the hospital and a group home about three months after moving in, worse off--in many ways--than ever before, particularly in regards to my illness symptoms. That was the first time I hallucinated and heard voices outside of myself.
these are hard things to talk about, but i believe God uses all things for good and He has:
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.--Romans 8:28

One good thing is that i can relate to those who have gone through things similar, whether it may be you, someone you know, or someone at NAMI, a friend, or a family member.

I had to choose to look to God and put Him first again back in '07, and not my bf...soon then to be x, by God's grace.
i've never been the one to suggest a breakup, no matter how bad the man or situation was. God's preserved me from three bad relationships and/or marriages.
Thank God, i didn't start dating till i was 26. not common in these days.

I wish I had stayed with my parents after losing my first big job in '06, and had kept being creative, pure, godly, and true to myself, but i ventured out and met the wrong person and people that pulled me down, again, thinking I could bring the light of Christ into dark places, where He was not known.

i am thankful to God i got through college being away from anyone i knew for about 2.5 years. the rest was at a local college...that was a good place to start, as i had the support and buffer of my parents.
i became ill and diagnosed the semester before graduating in '04 and had to come home for like a year and heal and get stronger to return.

I haven't always been helpful for my parents while living here. They have almost always been gracious and forgiving to me, particularly in '07, when they paid for my hospital and group home stays, and came to visit me when they could, though i had moved out against there wishes, moving in with someone.

It wasn't until about late '09 that i really started to come out of a huge depression and become more confident and expressive and ME.
Also when depressed and deep in one's illness, it is usually hard to do the smallest thing or feel motivated. For instance, being that i was essentially starving myself--so i could maintain my size 0-3 jeans size--and very deep in my illness and depression in '08'-09, i remember simply ironing something or vacuuming the carpet was a mountain to climb, and i did feel so ashamed of that.

Now, i want to give out. love, serve. give.
and remember for Whom i'm doing it for: Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people... --Ephesians 6:7
I don't every day...clean of whatnot, and i do feel bad for that, especially with my bad sleep schedule--right now, i'm getting to sleep around 4-5 and getting up at like 2 or so--but i ask God to forgive me for my unproductive times.
God has been so patient with me throughout my whole life. 2 peter 3:9

I am mostly healed from all that was inflicted upon me in '06-'07, in particular the things that the man i've spoken of said to me and what he did to me. 

praise Jesus Christ for healing me!

I do, however, due to the experiences in my illness, the damaging of my brain, and being off my meds mainly in '06-'07, my illness's experiences have been even more complex and multifaceted, particularly when i've been on the wrong meds or have gone off of my meds once again. 

I will no longer attempt to go off of my meds, particularly the ones for helping my psychotic symptoms. Each time i do, it sets me back. 

Well, it's about 3:30 a.m here. 

I so apologize if this post is flooded with grammatical mistakes and rambling or repetition. I apologize if it's redundant with other posts. 

I wanted to get a post out however.  I think one a week is good, perhaps more than that in the future.

bless you and thank you for reading.

--His beloved.

making some progress

I'm finally getting to writing my second post. 

I'm not all that gusto about doing so, but some events have happened and it's right to keep the blog and you up to date with them. 

recently, as i mentioned on the last blog, i have been getting very strong impressions to not sing or play anything but Christian and worship songs on the guitar. I have very recently, after prayer and tears, come to the conclusion and truth that being told that i'm a terrible person cause i won't play only Christian songs (this is an abbreviated version of what all i'm told in my head and heart during my practice/play sessions, as well as when not) does anything but inspire me to want to worship God through music. I know that God fills me with His Holy Spirit to do what He wants me to do and inspires me to do what He wants me to do. He puts the hunger and desire to do what pleases Him. The impressions and/or voices do the exact opposite. they make me feel TERRIBLE about myself, freak me out, and keep me from doing ANYTHING. I literally didn't play for a few days because of these experiences and discouragements. My joy I have in playing the guitar was robbed.

So, without praying beforehand or during much, i courageously had a very successful practice/play session the night before last. God opened my heart and put a sense of love and worship for Him in my heart while playing some worship songs--not because i HAD to but because i wanted to. I ended up crying after several worship Christian songs. This was after happily/clear-mindedly playing some secular songs without much intrusions or guilt....much better than lately!

I ended with the song Beautiful by Kari Jobe. When it started to talk about God singing over me, I started crying, cause i truly sensed God's love and not the crap that comes from an impression or voice that my illness presents to me as God. So it was wonderful...especially cause I couldn't sing anymore due to crying, but the song was talking about God singing over me...so even though I couldn't, He was lovingly singing over me in essence...
We love Him, cause He loved us first. 1 John 4:19

I told my mom about it in tears (makeup everywhere). She was happy for me.

She encouraged me to blog about what I told her at the end of our short conversation...about my illness being a bully that's always there, like at school or something. I told her that I've been praying for some time how much or little to bring my illness and it's experiences out in the open to others. The answer to my prayer is that it will only kill me inside to not. Like i told her, my experience of scizoaffective disorder (or at least some aspects of it) would be like having a 24/7 bully, never knowing when it would bear its ugly head, and never telling anyone about its abuse. I must talk about it and what it's doing to me to someone. for me, this has been my mom and dad, Grandmother, and my NAMI support group.

I am slowly becoming more appropriately vocal about my painful experiences with my illness, whether it's what is happening in the moment (that's the hardest to do), to what happened in the last few days, or years.
Also, i'm finding by doing so, i can see the truth of my illness more clearly by the equinanimous responses and opinions and perspectives i get from others. 

I had a very good, short, but sweet psychiatrist appointment yesterday, for the first time in two months. My psychiatrist had called in sick, though, but a nurse practitioner was there. I was anticipating just getting a prescription, but ended up sharing, as she inquired how i was doing...she was very sweet. i liked her. 

That's all for now ya'll. Yes, there is a lot more, but I'm not up to writing anymore...

It's been one of those days of experiencing frustration from common life experiences that leads to being furious...I don't like being like that! I'm praying for God to help me and for the experiences to subside.

Furthermore, last night, I spent the night alone in my room crying--something I've recently been doing more, which is good--due to relational matter than i experienced that day.

Things are better now, as i've come up with a temporary band aid for the situation, but it's not fixed. It's a matter i've faced nearly my whole life.

Anyhow, I will keep it in prayer and do what I can to not let it steal my joy anymore than it has.

The eating is going well. I'm listening to my body more, instead of obsessively counting calories. I used to binge, but haven't in a while (a binge, according to my experience and research, is when you eat so much that you're sick and in pain). I don't want to do that to myself or feel like that.

I'm so praising God cause my gluten intolerant symptoms are currently in remission, for the most part. I'm having less stomach issues and skin break-outs. So, at least for now, i'm able to eat gluten without being concerned for the consequences.

Lovely.

Just a quick FIY, I became GI in about February of '10 and ate nothing but G free foods most of the year. My skin cleared and my stomach wasn't upset.

However, i was also starving myself and went from a size 12 to 0 in a few short months. I am currently, after a few months of making peace with my body and eating, with God's help, am a healthy size 14. : )

I told a girl in the waiting room yesterday about my weight gain and she could hardly believe it.

I don't want to be anything but what comes healthfully and naturally for me now. I will get into my ED experiences in another post sometime.

Thank you for reading.

I hope your day is going well.

His beloved

tonight tonight

Tonight was rough.

My illness is trying to convince me not to blog about it.

It's telling me not to.

I cry tears tonight.

i'm crying out to God.

i need help.

I don't know what's me, what's God, what's satan, and what's my illness.

i know the enemy uses my illness against me, to mess with me.

I have doubts in life. I have doubts about even doing this blog. But i'm doing it anyhow.

Something i've been struggling with lately is getting impressions not to play anything but Christian worship songs on the guitar. This does not inspire me to do so, nor make me want to play anymore. It simply has freaked me out at this point, so much, that i'm not playing guitar at this time. I haven't for days. I was playing for some nights--as i play at night--for over an hour. i started playing guitar and singing in '02. i was really getting into it more than i have in a long time and usually really enjoying myself. But every time i pray about it, i get an impression that i shouldn't be playing the songs i want to play...which are mostly, pretty much--secular songs. They are very pure and clean songs and if they have a part that isn't good, i change it, say if it's a cuss word or a bad phrase...
I do also play Christian and worship songs interlaced with these. 

i was really enjoying playing for my grandmother, who is here for another couple of weeks. She always comes each Christmas. She's 93, and so my time with her is precious.

I feel like i'm being cheated out of playing guitar and singing, something i love to do...and that she is too.

Tonight, i'm very emotional. it's unusual for me to cry about my illness or struggles. So often i think it's God, not my illness, that i'm hearing from--either in a voice or impression. The lie of my illness is that the voices and impressions I receive are from God, due the fact that they almost ALWAYS start after I pray...immediately. And there's something about the nature of my illness that "feels" or "seems" like it's God. I'm a Christian, and this would be the Holy Spirit. This is not something I made up. it's a part of the particular form or nature of my "version" i guess you could say of scizoaffective disorder. The first voice i heard in my head--that i recall was when I was off at college, walking towards the communications building. I heard in my head: "are you willing to wash the feet of these?" This was symbolic of "are you willing to bring all these students--that i was impressed upon that were "lost" and without God--to Christ? and do as Christ did, and was a servant to his friends, even though He was their Lord and Savior and King?" as He is mine. I had no doubt that it was only God at the time, though i now know better. I don't remember much else, but i know i had some psychotic events here and there, but the most defining moment was when I prayed a scripture not long before the voice came in February of '04. the voices convinced me, as they spoke, that they were God. the first most significant was: "Lauren, take off your shoes, take two steps back, you're on holy ground" just as Moses was told to on the Mount Sinai. Even as i read this linked passage now, i have something inside me trying to convince me that surely i was hearing from God, just as Moses had. But then I am aware of just how crafty the illness is at this and that no other Christian that i've heard of has every heard this besides Moses. And in the objective viewpoint of things, it would be crazy if i did, and for what purpose and reason? NO. I REFUSE THAT LIE. As well as the lie that tells me that the purpose was that I was like Moses, who was called to lead people in God's footsteps...I was told by God to wash my fellow students feet and prophesy to them, as well as tell my roommates, that were strong Christians leading a Christian student fellowship, that they weren't Christians. As well as the psychotic experience that soon followed that convinced me I was in hell cause I didn't please God by doing these things in a manner that was acceptable to Him. NO. IT'S MY ILLNESS. LIES. 
Another aspect that assures me it wasn't God, was that the voices led to torment and fear. The Bible clearly says that God is Love and that there is NO FEAR IN LOVE BUT PERFECT LOVE CASTS OUT FEAR, because fear involves torment. 1 John 4:18. if it was God, I would have had more peace, love, and confidence. and the fear that the Bible speaks of, such as the fear of God that we are to have, and that Moses most definitely had on the Mount, was a fear of awe and amazement and love and honor.

back to that night,.  i had just gotten out the shower, as i did every night.  i was wearing my red house slippers--i never touched that house's floor, to my memory, as I have almost always been OCD, so the idea of removing my shoes and touching the floor was scary in itself in a way. my illness signified the red of the shoes was symbolizing the blood of Christ months after i had purchased them, of course. I did as the voice said, but was SO FREAKED OUT AND SCARED that my name was called out to me in my head. It seized me with fear and terror, as I thought may have Moses, though i don't remember connecting the two very much at the time, i was so bewildered and seized with fear. I immediately fell to the floor, and felt like i was dying. From that moment on---I will expound upon it later--due to my roommate's help and care, my parent's, and then the police and ambulances and hospitals...all which Jesus Christ used to help me and protect me and get me medicated, i got more stable. Since then, I have been hospitalized four times, in a group home three, and have had many psychotic melt downs, all with different types of scary, all consuming psychotic features. Usually these were caused by going off of my meds (i will no longer do that--after about three times) or being on the wrong med, a med that wasn't meant for me. If you are familiar with psychotic or depression meds, you know everyone is different. Abilify messed me up, but it could be the answer med for others. For me, it's seroquel xr. The others help little or are extreme weight gain propellants.

It's very late now, and i know that if I start on the story and stories of the first weeks and months of my illness and then the years of it...it could take all night. I wasn't intending to elaborate about that time in this blog actually...I, rather was intending to express some recent events that are causing a lot of grief, sorry, pain, confusion, bewilderment, shame, and other feelings, like inferiority and aloneness THIS NIGHT. But we never know how God's going to lead us. And yes, as a Christian, though I hear voices and impressions that the illness tries to convince me is God, I am still led by the Holy Spirit, which is a very peaceful, confident, natural-feeling, loving experience overall...and one I know will be for His glory...which is what my sole purpose in living is. I pray that He will be glorified through this blog venture, that He'd bless it and grow it, help me to heal, and help the readers to come to Him for healing. This is an opportunity that I am allowing myself to reach out...to speak the truth in love and grow in Christ.  Ephesians 4:15

In another post, I will talk about an instance that happened the other morning. It involved the receiving of impressions inwardly and outwardly, as well as voices. the voices have been mitigated I think almost for good recently for the first time in years--praise Jesus Christ! the truth that all of them, no matter how convincing are not God, have helped me to ease away from them. but really, i believe it's just divine intervention...and of course the truth: that the truth will set you free. John 8:32

thank you for reading. 

--His beloved