tonight tonight

Tonight was rough.

My illness is trying to convince me not to blog about it.

It's telling me not to.

I cry tears tonight.

i'm crying out to God.

i need help.

I don't know what's me, what's God, what's satan, and what's my illness.

i know the enemy uses my illness against me, to mess with me.

I have doubts in life. I have doubts about even doing this blog. But i'm doing it anyhow.

Something i've been struggling with lately is getting impressions not to play anything but Christian worship songs on the guitar. This does not inspire me to do so, nor make me want to play anymore. It simply has freaked me out at this point, so much, that i'm not playing guitar at this time. I haven't for days. I was playing for some nights--as i play at night--for over an hour. i started playing guitar and singing in '02. i was really getting into it more than i have in a long time and usually really enjoying myself. But every time i pray about it, i get an impression that i shouldn't be playing the songs i want to play...which are mostly, pretty much--secular songs. They are very pure and clean songs and if they have a part that isn't good, i change it, say if it's a cuss word or a bad phrase...
I do also play Christian and worship songs interlaced with these. 

i was really enjoying playing for my grandmother, who is here for another couple of weeks. She always comes each Christmas. She's 93, and so my time with her is precious.

I feel like i'm being cheated out of playing guitar and singing, something i love to do...and that she is too.

Tonight, i'm very emotional. it's unusual for me to cry about my illness or struggles. So often i think it's God, not my illness, that i'm hearing from--either in a voice or impression. The lie of my illness is that the voices and impressions I receive are from God, due the fact that they almost ALWAYS start after I pray...immediately. And there's something about the nature of my illness that "feels" or "seems" like it's God. I'm a Christian, and this would be the Holy Spirit. This is not something I made up. it's a part of the particular form or nature of my "version" i guess you could say of scizoaffective disorder. The first voice i heard in my head--that i recall was when I was off at college, walking towards the communications building. I heard in my head: "are you willing to wash the feet of these?" This was symbolic of "are you willing to bring all these students--that i was impressed upon that were "lost" and without God--to Christ? and do as Christ did, and was a servant to his friends, even though He was their Lord and Savior and King?" as He is mine. I had no doubt that it was only God at the time, though i now know better. I don't remember much else, but i know i had some psychotic events here and there, but the most defining moment was when I prayed a scripture not long before the voice came in February of '04. the voices convinced me, as they spoke, that they were God. the first most significant was: "Lauren, take off your shoes, take two steps back, you're on holy ground" just as Moses was told to on the Mount Sinai. Even as i read this linked passage now, i have something inside me trying to convince me that surely i was hearing from God, just as Moses had. But then I am aware of just how crafty the illness is at this and that no other Christian that i've heard of has every heard this besides Moses. And in the objective viewpoint of things, it would be crazy if i did, and for what purpose and reason? NO. I REFUSE THAT LIE. As well as the lie that tells me that the purpose was that I was like Moses, who was called to lead people in God's footsteps...I was told by God to wash my fellow students feet and prophesy to them, as well as tell my roommates, that were strong Christians leading a Christian student fellowship, that they weren't Christians. As well as the psychotic experience that soon followed that convinced me I was in hell cause I didn't please God by doing these things in a manner that was acceptable to Him. NO. IT'S MY ILLNESS. LIES. 
Another aspect that assures me it wasn't God, was that the voices led to torment and fear. The Bible clearly says that God is Love and that there is NO FEAR IN LOVE BUT PERFECT LOVE CASTS OUT FEAR, because fear involves torment. 1 John 4:18. if it was God, I would have had more peace, love, and confidence. and the fear that the Bible speaks of, such as the fear of God that we are to have, and that Moses most definitely had on the Mount, was a fear of awe and amazement and love and honor.

back to that night,.  i had just gotten out the shower, as i did every night.  i was wearing my red house slippers--i never touched that house's floor, to my memory, as I have almost always been OCD, so the idea of removing my shoes and touching the floor was scary in itself in a way. my illness signified the red of the shoes was symbolizing the blood of Christ months after i had purchased them, of course. I did as the voice said, but was SO FREAKED OUT AND SCARED that my name was called out to me in my head. It seized me with fear and terror, as I thought may have Moses, though i don't remember connecting the two very much at the time, i was so bewildered and seized with fear. I immediately fell to the floor, and felt like i was dying. From that moment on---I will expound upon it later--due to my roommate's help and care, my parent's, and then the police and ambulances and hospitals...all which Jesus Christ used to help me and protect me and get me medicated, i got more stable. Since then, I have been hospitalized four times, in a group home three, and have had many psychotic melt downs, all with different types of scary, all consuming psychotic features. Usually these were caused by going off of my meds (i will no longer do that--after about three times) or being on the wrong med, a med that wasn't meant for me. If you are familiar with psychotic or depression meds, you know everyone is different. Abilify messed me up, but it could be the answer med for others. For me, it's seroquel xr. The others help little or are extreme weight gain propellants.

It's very late now, and i know that if I start on the story and stories of the first weeks and months of my illness and then the years of it...it could take all night. I wasn't intending to elaborate about that time in this blog actually...I, rather was intending to express some recent events that are causing a lot of grief, sorry, pain, confusion, bewilderment, shame, and other feelings, like inferiority and aloneness THIS NIGHT. But we never know how God's going to lead us. And yes, as a Christian, though I hear voices and impressions that the illness tries to convince me is God, I am still led by the Holy Spirit, which is a very peaceful, confident, natural-feeling, loving experience overall...and one I know will be for His glory...which is what my sole purpose in living is. I pray that He will be glorified through this blog venture, that He'd bless it and grow it, help me to heal, and help the readers to come to Him for healing. This is an opportunity that I am allowing myself to reach out...to speak the truth in love and grow in Christ.  Ephesians 4:15

In another post, I will talk about an instance that happened the other morning. It involved the receiving of impressions inwardly and outwardly, as well as voices. the voices have been mitigated I think almost for good recently for the first time in years--praise Jesus Christ! the truth that all of them, no matter how convincing are not God, have helped me to ease away from them. but really, i believe it's just divine intervention...and of course the truth: that the truth will set you free. John 8:32

thank you for reading. 

--His beloved