happy love day to you!

an update on, let's see, well, my weight gain! yeah. and the fact that i've decided not to care. basically. but stay ON YOUTUBE and HEALTHY. yay! and love myself...and others and God the same...

cause Jesus loves everybody and everybody's body, no matter what we eat, or what size we are. this is the opposite of the media's message, as we know it so well.
peace and love in Jesus,
lauren

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a new post...finally

hi all.
been like forever since the last post. so much has happened since, naturally, as life changes like that. 
i must confess that i am very exhausted at this point and depressed. forgive me. when you are depressed, it is natural to not have motivation or desire to do the things you like to do when you are up, or rather hypomanic. 
if this is your first time visiting, it may come as a shock to you that i am opening up and "coming out" so to speak about my different diagnosis. some of you may be offended, frightened, turned off, intrigued, but hopefully compassionate. mental illness--mostly unbelieved, but true--is a literal illness of the mind and emotions. my personal dianosis have altered since my last post. i've discovered new things through my experiences and research online. though i have not been diagnosed by a pschychiatrist and "written in stone" as being diagnosed with new found, newly developed disorders in me, i cannot deny that they exist. 

forgive me for the moroseness of this post, but it all my reality. i hope that i will bring enlightenment to those who are "in the dark" or do not understand mental illness or possibly not know what it is. Furthermore if there are any who have one or know of someone that does, or maybe live with someone that does, i hope that this helps you not feel alone or will help you to understand what you are going through or the person you know is going through. 

this is kind of like a journal, i see it now as. as i express these things, i find it therapeutic and beneficial to myself and hopefully you. it's an expression of my life's story through the eyes and experience of being mentally ill. again, it is my reality, so to speak, as mentally ill people tend to see things in unreality, surreality, or dillusion.

i hope your day is going well and that you are free of mental or emotional pain, whether diagnosed with a mi or not.

i must confess i've been through a lot already this morning, and it is only 7:40 a.m. I awoke at 3:30. It's not cool, I know, but my internal clock is off. 
these days, i am going through what they call rapid cycling. my diagnosis being schizoaffective, i have both psychosis (voices and hallucinations, ect) and bipolar (a mood disorder). I am going from high to low very rapidly. it is also called depression and hypomania.
for instance, this morning i woke up with a tad bit of intrusive thoughts and command hallucinations (where i am told what to do or that i am doing something i shouldn't, that something is wrong with what i am doing). furthermore, i was pretty much at peace and anxious to get some coffee in me. however with the waking up of my mother due to trying to charge my phone (it was traumatic cause i thought my phone broke), i got a panic attack, and then depression came upon me like a hurricane. 

i am not motivated at this time to do much today. it would be ideal for me to go downtown and get a bus pass (my car died a few months ago) and not have to rely on my parents for a ride to the store. it would be $25 for a month, since I am on medicare. Pretty sweet deal. 
Anyhow, I've been taking the bus off and on for a few months. It's opened my eyes to a whole new world and given me a sense of independence, as well as some exercise, in walking to the bus stops. I have come across a diversity of people. Some traumatic events have happened to me that have discouraged me from taking it however. I am dealing with what is called agoraphobia. the term, ya'll, sounds vulgar, doesn't it? i mean, common' it sounds like gory. not cool. i didn't spell that right. anyhow, i've had some psychosis while out, and it's kind of defered me from wanting to risk that happening again. my personal experience is somewhat different, as everyone's experience of mental illnesses are. i am basically afraid to trespass my personal living environment, so much that i fear going downstairs. the onslaught of this started a few months ago.

so today, i guess i'll dive in and go downstairs, whether i feel up to it or not and just get a ride to the store from my dad. He just got in last night from tennessee. Things are changing, and i don't adjust to change well. i know i am a huge burden to my parents. i have extreme guilt and shame for the person the illnesses and disorders have transformed me and that i'm not who i used to be. bbehow i

so i guess i'll end it here with saying, I need to be gentle with myself, knowing what i'm dealing with here. my mind and emotions are so fragile that it makes my body and head hurt, which is the evidence of my diagnosis of fibromyalgia. 

more later. 
thank you for stepping in and giving me 
liberty to be honest. i pray the paranoia or fear of being ostricized or judged
will not keep me in isolation and silence. 
God is love and may His perfect love cast out any fear. For it is not of Him and creates torment, rather than the peace He promises us.

lauren   

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there is healing in His hands.