grace and freedom

In the last few days, I've gone from taking 8 mg trilafon to just 4 mg, and earlier in the day, instead of at bedtime. Upon taking 8 mg, I started having scary side effects at night. I was getting incessant, repetitive surges of seeming electricity going to my upper head and body. It caused me to go into a coma like state, and it took everything with in me and crying out to Jesus literally to regain my bearings and become fully cognizant. One night this happened over and over again for hours. I tried laying upright to diminish the rush to my head, as I did for almost 18 months with the Seroquel, but it didn't help. 
What did help was taking...duh, duh, duh...Lunesta. Yeah, I finally got to see what it would be like to have one of those pretty butterflies alight on my shoulder (you've probably seen the commercial). The first night I had just a couple of surges, but was still able to stay lying down and was able to sleep. I did wake up a couple of times, but got back to sleep. I could feel the sedation come on within about 15 minutes. I'm taking 3 mg. She only gave me about 5 samples, so I'm going to have her call in a prescription on Monday. I hope it continues to work. 
My dreams have been pretty radical and bazaar, though the first night I took Lunesta, I actually had some sweet dreams intermingled. 
Other good news: the voices are WAY QUIETER! they are, as the last blog post stated, tamed! I've only had a few in the last three days. It's been about three days of mostly quiet! I thank Trilifon and Jesus Christ for liberation from the haunting voices. 
I have gotten some, like last night, I started hearing some of the old familiar ones come in, commenting on things I was handling or thinking about. I cried out to God that He would keep them away...that they wouldn't come back. I realize it's not going to be perfect...considering that...the impressions are still there. But they are way less too, however! The first of the three days, the impressions were coming on almost every move I made, discouraging me from doing whatever I was about to do or was doing. I've gotten a few today, but not much compared to where I was a week ago. 
I've been dealing with some OCD. Yesterday, I had a strange mix of events that goes back to before I went on Trilafon. I watched a vlog by a guy with schizophrenia on youtube who had had great success with Trilafon. This was one of the main encouragements for me to go back on it. He also is a Christian, and believed this was a med God had blessed him with, that this was the answer, after 6 years of searching. 
I was watching more videos of his yesterday, but as I was watching one of his videos that was giving scriptural and spiritual encouragement, I was getting a urgent impression that this wasn't a good idea. I'm always alarmed by the impressions. I pretty much think: "oh no, what happens if I don't follow the impression, and stop doing this?" The impressions warn me that there will be great consequence every time and my anxiety, paranoia, (and before, the voices) start going. 
I continued--oop, I'm getting one now. 
That's been happening for months, even way back on the seroquel. The impressions will come while I'm typing away on an email, journal entry, or blog, and it will say: "no, no, no! stop! don't do this!" in an impression that doesn't have a voice, but gives a strong discouragement from proceeding with a warning that this is either a sin, I'm being conceited or selfish, or that the other person will not take what I'm saying well. Do you understand? The agony! The confinement. The guilt and torment. 
I'm still getting impressions as we speak. 
The GOOD THING is that now when I ask God what's going on and why "He" wouldn't want me to proceed or do what I'm doing, I would always usually, especially in the last month, get voices--really loud voices explaining why. Understandably, now that I don't have this filling and occupying my mind, I'm a little bored. I'm not complaining though, no!
Currently, there's some clamorous noises going on around me. It's scaring me. That happens. I hate it. I'll hear a creak in the wall or something will fall on the floor and it feels like an assault. 
I just want to give God the glory for all the improvements though. I feel so much better. It felt, just days ago, like I was in an intense spiritual battle all the time. For Christians, this is a reality for every one, but with schizoaffective disorder, and of the nature I have, it's like you've got to do everything in your will to ward off the attacks, and you can't run from it...you have to stand strong with the armor of God on all the time, fighting off demons, all the while thinking God's talking to you in your head, and you're trying to figure out what's Him and what's a demon or the illness. It's exhausting. 
I had a very strong attack while walking the dog last week. My neighbor was driving down the private drive I was walking on towards his house. I waved (I always dread running into him, cause he can be mean, and even cussed me out one time). I am aware that God wants me to be a light everywhere I go and love even the unlovely, so I pray God will help me to be neighborly. As I passed him and his huge, loud truck, and he got out to get his mail, I felt needles go into my legs, as I walked on. This has happened many times within my illness experience, particularly in '07 and this year, when in the hospital. I am usually around someone that is an atheist or is yelling out blasphemous words, or in some conflicted spiritual zone. I got a voice in my head that said I was being demonically attacked and that I was trying to be of the world and not God, cause I wanted my neighbor's acceptance (yes, deep down, I want everyone's acceptance and care what people think of me). I wanted to go home and be safe, but the voices told me, I would be attacked there too, and that I couldn't escape. I pleaded with God. I'm sure I commanded the demons and Satan to leave in Jesus Christ's name, as I do, when I know I'm being attacked. When I saw another man at a business nearby, through a fence, the voice said I wanted his acceptance too, in a condemning way. 
I went home, praying ardently, and told my mom. She said she was sorry and wished there was something she could do. I felt so alone and scared. Thankfully, the--what I know as--touch hallucinations did not continue, nor were there any advancements in various spirits or hallucinations of different sorts, which is what usually happens, according to past experience. 
I'm still getting negative impressions. I just asked Jesus Christ to show me why I was getting negative impressions. The answer I got immediately was NOT A VOICE, thank you God, but an understanding that I it was because I'm speaking the truth about schizoaffective disorder and a girl's experience with it, and that I was speaking the truth about Jesus Christ, and how He has saved me and is saving me from demons and from darkness. Hallelujah. 
And so I continue. I want to thank Jesus Christ for giving me the truth which sets me free, so that I may continue. With love. With compassion. With understanding. So that I can live. Psalm 119:144 
The appointment with my psychiatrist went well. I'm thankful I've been able to see her, since the first time I saw her, every week, for the last three weeks. She's also very good in returning calls. That is one of the problems I ran into with my old doctor. 
I also had three therapy sessions this week, two in person, one on the phone. 
When in the heat of my voices and impressions, I believe it was last week, I was about to leave for therapy, and I was collecting some things to show my therapist. One was some matchboxes I had covered with decorative paper and inserted scriptures about light into on little printed out cards (a hobby of days past). One of the scriptures I found loose in the bag of matches was 2 Corinthians 6:14-16: 

"Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God..."
 This sent a message to me, which alarmed me greatly. A strong impression came upon me that said that I was rebelling against God by going to see this therapist. Being that she has never said she's a Christian, I assumed she wasn't, and therefore was trying to be in "partnership" with "darkness," "lawlessness," and "belial." And this was RIGHT as I was walking out the door, with positive anticipation of having a good therapy session with this person, wanting to share with her the things God was doing in my life and bless her with things God had blessed me with, such as the matchboxes and scriptures. Even though I thought she wasn't a Christian, I knew I was still doing a good thing by being a testimony for Christ. 
Nevertheless, I went forth into the meeting and into later meetings, feeling like I was sinning very badly and rebelling against God and His word. 
One day this last week, during a session, I was talking about the voices and impressions. The matter about the scripture and impression came up. I actually went to the meeting, not knowing if I was going to say goodbye to this person and never see her again, wondering where I would go then for help and therapy. However, she told me she was a Christian, grew up in the church, and had been baptized. I made sure, more than once, that she knew I was not judging her by questioning her salvation. I was not. 
I trust her word. She is a very honest and sincere person. She also knows a lot about scripture and fully understands the gospel. 
What more can I do but continue to be a light, pray that she will too, and trust that God is at work in her life and mine, or He wouldn't have had me go to her for so long in the first place. 
Yet, I am still perplexed by the message I got that day, as well as so many other messages I've gotten since becoming schizoaffective. Just the other night I came across the scripture that talks about Jesus not knowing certain people and what He'll say to them in the end:

"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?' And then will I declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from me,you workers of lawlessness.' --Matthew 7:21-23
 Back in '04, the day my illness hit the hardest for the first time, I was doing all sorts of strange things that I thought God was telling me to do, things I am too ashamed to tell a human being, even write in a diary. In the midst of my actions, I slid down to the floor, my face buried in the kitchen cabinet before me. I dreadful feeling flooded over me. I saw a vision of Jesus in my mind. He said: "away from me evil doer I never knew you." and disappeared. From that time on, a voice that appeared to be satan talked to me for hours, convincing me that I was in hell. I won't get into the details now. In short, the illness, or satan convinced me that where I was was going to be my hell and it was going to get worse and worse. At one point, I got physically hotter, the voice said I was dying, and the flames were getting nearer. The people around me, according to "the liar" that satan and my illness is, were just actors inhabited by demons to torment me for the rest of my life. I was told my family would even torment me and turn against me, though not my family, just actors. There's more, but I want to emphasize my initial point and stay on track here. I believe it was last night that I read the scripture from Matthew. A horrific dreadful emotion overcame me. I prayed ardently. I don't remember what I prayed, but it was definitely a plea that God assure me that my experience of '04 was ONLY MY ILLNESS, not reality. Jesus will never leave me. Hebrews 13:5 I didn't go to hell. 
Oh the lies. 
But I need Jesus Christ to comfort me and assure me more than anything that I am sealed with the Holy Spirit and have the promise of eternal life and nothing can take me out of his hands. Ephesians 1:3-8 Nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:31-39 
This is the truth of God's word. If I had claimed it back in '04, I believe I wouldn't have been led to eventually drive off the side of the road (this was a leading from what I thought was God to fall asleep at the wheel, which was a symbol of being asleep spiritually, which is something I still don't understand. It was to prevent me from going to hell, according to the voice). 
Anyhow, if I can cut through all these experiences with the confidence God gives me and just be able to say, "yes, that was my illness." "no, that really didn't happen." "i was dillusional." "I have schizoaffective disorder and hear voices." "that's not normal."  "Christians without schizoaffective or schizophrenia don't hear voices." ECT...it will save me a lot of obsession, anxiety, grief, and tears. 
The truth will set me free. 
I know I'm going to heaven. I know Jesus blood continually cleanses me of my sin. 1 John 1:7


I need God's peace and comfort and assurance. I need to sense His presence. I need healing. I need the Truth of His word and conviction about what is of Him and what is of my illness. 
And this is happening! The fact that the voices and impressions have dissipated to an immense degree and I'm sleeping better has allowed me to have the clarity and freedom to write this blog post for you. The simple fact that I'm still alive, despite all the illness has led me to and brought on me is a testiment of God's grace and mercy.
Praise Jesus Christ!


Thank you for reading. 
I hope this post has not brought you grief or has been oppressive to you in any way. 
I thank you for allowing me to share and by so doing, to spread the truth of God's word, experiences of a woman with schizoaffective disorder, and her journey of healing from the scars of the illness and lies of the enemy. 
Below are some scriptures of truth and comfort.

--His beloved


Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.


Jesus came to heal our broken hearts, set us free, comfort us, give us true and eternal life, and give us joy.
All He asks is that we believe.

Isaiah 61:1-4
The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor;
he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor,and the day of vengeance of our God;
to comfort all who mourn;to grant to those who mourn in Zion—to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.
They shall build up the ancient ruins;
they shall raise up the former devastations;
they shall repair the ruined cities,
the devastations of many generations.


p.s. the picture was found online. I thought it depicted the covering of the blood of Christ and living in His light, as I strive to also pray continually, as His Word says to. I fail daily, but His grace is sufficient for me...and you.
God bless you.

taming the voices

So taking the Fanapt didn't go over very well. Within six days, I started having full blown psychotic episodes. In between them, I was having severe impressions that came across as God leading me to do or not do things, and voices to tell me what to do or not do or about something in my environment. This is a common trait of my experience with schizoaffective disorder. 

The psychotic episodes this week contained everything from voices in my head that seemed like God or a demon, impressions, and visual, auditory, smell, and touch hallucinations. 

The impressions got to the point of telling me not to write a line in my journal, to not drink from my water bottle, to not be at Starbucks, to not get potatoes at the store, to eat or not eat such and such, ect. 

Side effect wise, I hated Fanapt. Though the Amantadine kept the jerking of my limbs at bay at night, when I reached 6 mg, my head started to feel like I had a clamp on the right and left of my brain and it was being squeezed. And then the uncomfortable dry mouth (constant drinking of water and discomfort when talking). 

Some of the most trying voices in my head were the ones the night before my psychiatrist appointment and when I was in the psychiatrist's office. They were warning me to stay on the Fanapt and not go back on Trilifon, which is what I wanted to do. 

I've been on Trilifon before and had pretty good success as far as side effects and psychosis go. I had little voices--mainly just at night, if any--and some negative impressions that I felt were coming from God when I said "Jesus Christ," as I prayed to Him. It felt like being rejected.

Course this occurs, even when on other meds, like Saphris and Fanapt. 

But considering where the Fanapt was leading me, it was a much better sounding option. 

While in the psychiatrist's office, we discussed my psychotic experiences and my thought to go on Trilifon. I told her of the voices I thought were God telling me not to, and the voice--as she ordered in the prescription of Trilifon--that was screaming and warning me to not take the Trilifon. Next thing I knew, the animal figurines in her office started turning into eery, demonic-like creatures jumping out at me. One animal in my history that I've been haunted by in the past is a cat, which was on her door. Others were horses and cows and the like. Very scary. I told her I was hallucinating. When objects take on a whole new nature, like an ornate design that turns into a scary face--very common for me--or faces on magazines, books, or photos start to mock me or spook me--I call them visual hallucinations. Rarely do I see objects appear out of nothing. It happens, but rarely. 

So I left her office feeling I'd rebelled against God and that I was to face consequences with the Trilifon. My main fear is and was my hair falling out more.

I called my dad, who's in Tennessee, and told him about it. He told me it was all my illness and not God telling me what to do. Even then, my illness tried to convince me that I wasn't talking to my dad, but a demon. This has happened before. 

Anyhow, voices are tough for me...to sort through what's what. 

I've been taking Trilifon, 4 mg, and Fanapt, 4 mg, for the last three days. The first night I had electric shocks in my head and had to lay upright. The second night, I got to sleep with no problem. I thank Jesus Christ for that, as I prayed over the meds before taking them. Last night, I felt a weird surge start to well up in my head, so I laid upright. I slept plenty though, so I'm thankful. 

My dreams have been pretty colorful and animated, some very disturbing. 

Tonight, I'll take 2 mg Fanapt, and 8 mg.Trilifon, and will continue that for 5 days, and then stop taking the Fanapt. 

One thing about Trilifon, as I discovered before when taking it, is I have to have a certain brand with the fewest side effects, which is at a pharmacy in the next town. It’s a drive, but I’m thankful for the option.

So we'll see how it goes, keeping it in prayer and asking God to bless it. 

One excellent sign of improvement is that the voices and impressions are way down since the first night of taking trilifon. It's most like partly the trilifon, part God's intervention, and then me ignoring them. The other types of hallucinations aren't there. Wonderful. 

My main concern with the trilifon is that I won't develop extrapyramidal symptoms that are even too heavy for a side effect med to eliminate. And of course, the big one: that it won't make my hair fall out more. 

My hair has been falling out a lot in the last week. Very troubling. 

It has to stop sometime. 

One night, I cried out to God, in fear that I was going to go bald. My part had gotten very wide, and hairs were falling left and right. My psychiatrist assured me I wouldn't, while explaining how the hair falls once the follicle has died. 

I'm still getting very strong impressions every time I pray as I look at, think about, touch, or drink my splenda sweetened sodas that I adore. Again, the voice in my head that came when I prayed for an answer for my hair, said on two occasions that it was the splenda that is causing my hair to fall out. Just now, I had 3/4 a can, but was getting impressions every time I drank it. I'm praying that God will reveal any lies that the enemy or my illness have thrown or are throwing at me. I am aware that the enemy has come to kill, steal and destroy, and Jesus Christ has come that we might have life and life more abundantly. John 10:10

But it's hard for me to discern what's God and what's not, when I get these impressions and voices immediately upon praying. 

Something good happened in regards to my hair since yesterday, however. I went over to my neighbor's house to help her fold laundry. She's caring for her aging and ill husband and doesn't have time. It was such a pleasant experience. I folded three loads as she attended to her husband and talked to me intermittently. Toward the end, I told her about my hair. She highly recommended a brush that she uses. It's called The Mason Pearson, made in London, England. They start at $80, according to the site I looked at last night, and go up to $200! Even though I'm OCD and was reluctant, she gave me the brush she'd been using for 10 years, since she had two. She showed me with her other brush how she brushes her hair, leaning her head over to allow the blood in the scalp to circulate, massaging her hair with the brush. She has gorgeous, very long, blond, shiny hair. She recommended washing my hair in cold water to close the pores. She urged me not to use the comb I've been ignorantly using, nor to comb my hair when wet. She ultra sanitized the brush, and I sanitized it again at home. I love it. It makes my hair look so much healthier and fuller. 

Furthermore, I looked up online about how to eliminate dandruff (I have developed dandruff, which is known to cause hair loss), hair loss, and itching. I discovered the idea of rinsing with apple cider vinegar. So last night I did so, and finished with cold water. My hair has been very shiny and healthier looking today.

I'm getting an impression not to write what I was going to write next. 

I can't help but just close the entry now and write about it when I'm not getting impressions. 

Thank you for reading. 

I hope you have a lovely week. 

- His beloved

as of late

I am working on a blog post that talks of what I've been through since March. 
But for now, I'll just post something brief about what's going on right now. 
I recently changed doctors. I had my first appointment last friday and have one again this thursday. 
I am seeing a therapist twice a week, and then having a phone session once a week. She is being a good support. 
I am currently on Fanapt. I go up to 6 mg tonight. I am also taking Amantadine for side effects. It seems to be helping. 
It's been so hard in the last few weeks, as I had to quit taking Saphris, as it was causing major tremors, restlessness, muscle clenching, feverishness and sweating. very scary. 
However, upon withdrawing from it, my hair started to fall out and my anxiety and panic attacks began to hit. I've never had anxiet y and panic attacks like this in my life. The kind that seizes your body with aches and pain. I was sleeping 1-3 hours many nights. With time, I began having major jerking of my limbs, nerve spasms and pulsing, and electric like shocks to my head.
I had my psychiatrist, my old one, call me in Lorazepam. I will discuss later about how that went over. 
It doesn't make me that drowsy, but i believe it's calmed the panic attacks. It's a combination of that and prayer and deliverance. 


I'm going through a lot also with my skin. I suffered from acne from '04, when I came down with schizoaffective disorder, but it was primarily from '07-'09 that it was at its worse. In March '10, I went on a gluten free diet for my stomach's sake, and the acne and scars began to clear. By August, I could go without any makeup and feel confident. Around April, I began having acne on my chest and shoulders. It then started up on my face and neck and has gotten worse by the month. I believe it's worse than it was even in '09. 


I'm getting tons of impressions and some voices. It all mostly seems to be God talking to me or impressing upon me things I should do or shouldn't do. 
Today, I went ahead and went to Plato's Closet, even though I was getting a strong impression that seemed like God to not go. While in the store, I heard a voice over and over again say in a repremanding, angry tone "you rebelled" and "you sinned." 
When I asked God as I left the store what the voices were all about, I heard "it was a lie." 
I got an impression tonight to sew my camisole that had come undone at the strap. I did. 
There's other things I'm doing in my life regularly that I don't know whether are sins or not. I get impressions or voices telling me to do certain things and then impressions voices telling me not to the very same thing. I don't know what to do. 


My hair loss has been such a trial and a major source of the anxiety and panic attacks and sleeplessness. 
It's so scary to watch my hair come out strand by strand, to see it all over the floor at night, after just sweeping it up that morning. 
Right now I'm getting an impression. 
My hair has gotten a lot thinner and my scalp looks more bare where I part my hair. The curly wispies I had that framed my face are a lot less. When I gather my hair, it feels so thin. 
I went to a healing service last week at an Episcopal church and was prayed over. It was such a sweet experience. I went with my dad. I cried so much. I really felt Jesus Christ's presence, the comfort of the Holy Spirit, the love of God and of others. 
I've been believing and keeping the faith that God healed me that night and is healing me. I feel so bad though that I've been doubting in the last day or so, cause when I comb my hair or run my fingers through it (which I keep to a minimum), strands come out each time. So terrifying. 


I just want things to be better. I want my good skin back. I desperately need my hair to not fall out anymore and to now grow back. I don't want impressions and voices. I don't want to feel like I've disobeyed God every smidget and step of my life and that He's going to punish me (i've had real fears of my hair getting worse as a "discipline" or "punishment") for doing so and to feel He is disapproving of me all the time. I know God is loving, compassionate, and merciful. I know He forgives me for my sin. But right now, I don't know where I'm going wrong, for I think God is telling me to do or not do this or that, and if I don't do it or do it it's a sin. 
I feel so alone. 
I know Jesus Christ is with me. He will never leave me nor forsake me. 
He has blessed me with so, so much. I am so thankful for these things. 


I guess I better go get ready for bed. 
My mom comes in from Tennessee tomorrow. She's been gone for weeks to help my grandmother, who's been in the hospital. 
I've missed her so much. 


I hope this finds you well. 
I appreciate you reading. 


- His beloved
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. --Psalm 46:1

eating disorders are mental illnesses

my mom and i had a discussion tonight in the car about whether eating disorders are mental illnesses.

her belief is that eating disorders--particularly binge eating disorder that i currently struggle with--is an addiction.

my stance is that it's a mental illness, hence the reason why i feel alright about bringing it up at NAMI meetings and that it is appropriate.

I know that eating disorders are mental illnesses, due to the fact that it's about what goes on in the mind, which is disordered and out of control. it takes over a persons mind, body, and life, just as any mental illness does.

NAMI's website even lists eating disorders as an official mental illness.

here is the link for all mental illnesses, in which the eating disorders is listed. the link leads to more specific info about types of eating disorders.

I feel like i'm the only one at NAMI with BED or any eating disorder, or at least, that speaks up about it.

It makes me feel very alone.

I know, from research online, that it's very common.

I was thankful for a girl tonight, however, that spoke up about her eating disorder.

i told her about going from a size 0 and 105 to a size 14 now...she has done something similar recently, due to BED.

it is not working to put myself on restrictive diets these days. with BED, it makes losing weight very difficult. i feel like a failure cause of it, but i also have a desire to just have peace about my body and my imperfect eating.

God wants me to eat for His glory, not mine or anyone else's. i am praying for how to do that, and that voices and impressions from my illness would not take advantage of me in that...telling me to eat or not eat whatever, ect.

I give God the glory for helping me overcome trials in my eating disorder, giving me strength, and peace about my body and food.

but i still struggle.

with OCD and an eating disorder, peace, confidence, contentment, temperance, and self control are frustrated. i pray for the Holy Spirit to lead me and give me these fruits and for healing from my disorder and illness.

I believe God can heal me of this and pull me out of anything that robs my joy and steals my peace, like an eating disorder and mental illness.

thank you for reading.

I hope you are well.

--His Beloved

ignoring the impressions!

i've had a better day and things are going better since i've specifically prayed for God to lead me despite my definite decision and determination to ignore the impressions to do this or that or not do this or that. this decision was made like a day ago.

i smiled more and laughed more today.
i ignored the impressions and actually got less of them.
i had more joy and peace, which is what God gives and what He wants for me.

i talked to my grandmother tonight about it.
she lives in tennessee.
she was happy to hear things are better.

i have hope, cause though i was convinced 100% that the voices were God (again, due to the nature of my kind of schizoaffective disorder),
i am now 100% convinced they are not him, so i know now i'm on my way with the impressions!

i still hear voices and they disturb me, but i don't get them as much, cause of God's healing and grace, the truth that came out finally that they are not God, and me ignoring them.

a note about the voices, they can also be evil voices. i get those mainly when i'm really ill and not on meds or the right meds.

God says in His word to increase in faith, hope, and love and righteousness, peace and joy. I have told God I want to do His will and I want these things.
I want to live a holy life and follow after the Holy Spirit.
so i've asked Him to plant in me the desires He wants for my life in my heart so that i desire them and do them, with His strength.
i feel like i'm diving into the deep end...it's good...cause it's an act of faith, a very uncommon, unusual one.
to have faith that God will still guide me and love me.
and i just have to believe He is.
i am asking Him to make the impressions stop.

as a friend at NAMI told me the other night, she wished she had a voice telling her what to do when she doesn't know what to do.
it seems like it would be comforting. initially it was, but the nature of this illness is for the voices and whatnot to "affect" the emotions in a negative way.
and that's what happens when i get a voice or impression.
sure it was bittersweet when i was bored and depressed, but it made me more depressed, cause the voices are flat, not loving, and go nowhere, with no comfort, depth, or purpose.

it is so wonderful to be at this point of some victory over my illness.
i give God the glory for His light, peace, truth, healing, and grace.

i was reading last night in the Bible a scripture that i believe God was speaking to me through:  "whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work." --2 Corinthians 9:6-8

when i get an impression to do something, it's like a compulsive/abrupt leading and a harsh demand to do it or else...not from my heart at all! and definitely not cheer-inspiring.
i only feel reluctant to do something, or under compulsion, when the impressions come.

the grace of God is what really stuck out in this scripture. God gives grace and sufficiency...the ability to do good things and His will. His Holy Spirit moves through believers of Christ.
when the Holy Spirit is working in me, it feels natural, not forced. i am more loving and gentle, peaceable, patient and kind. that's what it means to shine one's light in the dark places. be Christ to a lost world.
that's what i want to do. not reluctantly, or under some forceful/abrubt command...but cause God loves that others, loves me and wants me to love God and my neighbor. He wants us to live holy and pure lives through His enabling and grace.

mental illnesses are very painful and challenging to live with and work through, no matter what the nature of the illness is.
but i am thankful, with God, there's hope and healing.

A friend from the NAMI meetings I attend called me today.
it was a pleasant conversation.
i was mainly trying to encourage him, listen, and relate any experiences of my own to him.

my mom went to the nami family to family group tonight.
bless her. i feel bad she has to go, though she wants to, cause i feel she's doing it for me.
i thank her. 

family to family is an educational course through NAMI that teaches family of people with mental illnesses about their illness.

My mom and I got to talk some today.
i was chatty today. more perky.
most definitely a God thing and cause i have less weight on my mind and depressive reactions to impressions...cause i don't feel confined to them and under their weight. i don't have to be. i'm choosing not to be. 

i must renounce the impressions that intrude on my conversations and emails with people that tell me that i'm saying the WRONG THING.
paleeze. it's like, how discouraging and discomforting and confidence ending is that?
so, not God.
done with that. if they come, i'll just give it to God and think better thoughts to replace them...overcoming evil with good, as God's word says to. 

They came today when i was on the phone and while emailing a friend.

I am thankful for friends and family that are acting as (caring) sounding boards and hearts for me in my expression of my struggles with my illness and working through it with God's help. I believe God can heal me and I give Him the glory for the good and the healing i've experienced particularly in the last year. 

the fact that others that care about me do not undermine the intensity or magnitude of my struggle and suffering is big.

i will stop now. 

thank you for reading. 

i hope you are well and good today. 

--His beloved

after tonight's meeting

i seriously need to put down some updates here.
i went to my NAMI group meeting tonight.
it was a good meeting. we split into women and men. first time for me. it was nice for a change.
i got to know some new people.
i got about three new emails.
i will discuss what went on and what goes on, with confidentiality of course, in the future.
my dad took us.
he went to the family support group next door while i was in mine.
we talked on the way there and back, as usual.
it's quite a ways there for us, but worth it every time we go.
My parents usually alternate taking me. this way we can talk on the way there and back and they can go to the family meeting...
but mainly, my car is not sufficient to drive such a long way.
also, with the intense emotional and mental experiences that these meetings usually are, as well as them being at night, i never have felt--even with sufficient transportation--that i'd be safe and comfortable going alone.

in the last week, i've deleted my youtube channel and have started a new one just today.
i also removed myself from facebook and took my profile pic down from myspace (which was already set to private).
also, my site that i broadcast myself doing podcasts and singing has been deleted. (i think...it may just be that i removed what was on them).
the primary reason was that i didn't want any former bf's or my xh to find me. i was uncomfortable with him and them seeing my profile pic even on facebook. it keeps me, also, from being tempted to look up my xh, who i just discovered recently is in the arms of someone new. no jealousy. but it definitely stirred me a lot...just to think about him and all he did.
also, concerning fb, i rarely got responses from my friends. after about a year and a half of being on the site, i realized this was hurting me mentally and emotionally...not good for someone who's already delicate and fragile in these ways.
so it's freed me from some hidden grief and troubled emotions and thoughts that were buried or i didn't think were worthy of taking note. they were.

i hope to not make too long of a post here, as it's about 11 p.m.

i had one of the biggest psychotic episodes--that i've had in a very long time--for about 3+ hours in the last week that lingered in less dramatic ways in the days thereafter.
it was scary and harsh. voices, impressions, lies, misery. from about 11 p.m. to around 2:30 a.m.
but, praise Jesus Christ, because of answers to prayers, my parent's support and prayers, my meds, and the continuing healing and strengthening of my mind, it didn't get worse and worse, like it always does when i'm not on my meds (like in '06-'07 and some in '08-
09) or on the wrong meds (like in '08 and in september of '09).
i have, thankfully, been preserved from going to the hospital in the tail of '09 and last year.
i've been in hospitals four times since being diagnosed in '04.
i've been in a group home three.

i don't know specifically what brought it on.
i have ideas, not i'm not certain.

anyhow, praise Jesus Christ i'm better.

i am currently getting impressions occasionally throughout the day. i get voices in my head that mock me when i follow after the impressions. this is usual, at least.

I've been crying a lot lately.
the main reason is because i stopped taking my fluoxetine (generic prozac) for about two months.
at first, i didn't notice anything different. then around last month, i noticed when i started to think of something intense or very difficult in my life that i'm going through or have gone through--sometimes from years ago--i would get some light tears in my eyes, when thinking in the dark at night. they would cease soon thereafter though.
it was always accompanied by a prayer to God and/or some form of relinquishment to Him concerning the matter.
i haven't been able to have much of a deep emotional/sometimes necessary response, as well as any tears most of the time to thoughts or reflections of certain traumatic memories--whether from my illness, relationships, or facets of life's challenges--in so long, due to being on fluoxetine.
i didn't really realize that was the cause, till i was off of it long enough to find out.
i'm thankful, so thankful, for the opportunity to truly feel and grieve properly about some matters in my past and present, and to be able to surrender that and bring that before God with grieving, knowing He knows and understands completely. very healing and cleansing experience.

However, due to some unusual, consistent, circumstantial frustrations, as well as the frustrations of my illness, i have been crying a lot in the last week. sometimes for hours, off and on, almost always at night.
i love to play with makeup, but had to go without it a few days, due to the efforts of applying it being wasted through tears. messy.
nonetheless, i've started taking the fluoxetine--starting with 20 mg and now 40 mg a day--i believe it was Saturday, about three days ago. Since then, i haven't cried much at all. just teared up a couple of times. amazing.
the intense crying was really wearing on me. it was so taxing to my eyes and whole body and mind. it involved, at one point, some loud yelling and screaming from my mouth of frustration and pain.

now, as i have been, i'm praying that the circumstantial frustrations will cease or at least lighten, and that i will not react. there has been some improvement, thank the Lord.

when i was crying all that time, i was getting impressions incessantly (which the illness made to come off as God, as it mostly does, unless it's evil messages) that i shouldn't be crying for different reasons, like: "why are you crying...hmp...complaining like that...look at all I've blessed you with," with some environmental object to show what i've been blessed with highlighted in my view. very painful...to cry, and to cry to God, and get this all the while.
nevertheless, i even ended up thankfully crying to God about the the messages as well, which is hard.
i did, of course, repent over and over.
but, nevertheless, the whole experience was very frustrating, lonely, guilt-ridden, and confusing.
God is not the author of confusion, but of peace. He is merciful, gentle, and compassionate.
These are some of the biblical truths that i cleave to when i sense nothing but confusion intermingled with impressions and voices i'm not certain are God or not.

It's getting better, due to knowing the truth of the Bible.
I am being freed, though it has taken a long time--years--to reach this point, and i'm still in the battle daily.
Certain voices i've heard in my past that i have wondered if they were truly God or was certain were God, i now know, after years of struggling, that they were not.
What freedom.
Again, it's not cause I'm not intelligent or i'm just in the dark about the Truth of the Bible, or whatever, but again, that the illness is very good at convincing me it is God (the voice of the Holy Spirit). this has been the case since the first voice i heard in my head around February of '04.

nevertheless, the voices that are outside myself, i usually can gather, due to the hellish or intensely scary fact that they're there, are easier to put away as just my illness or satan.
i rarely at this time have voices outside myself, though i have to pray against loud sounds in this house, like a creak in the wall that comes out of no where when i'm lying there at night or am up late in front of the computer like now. it's like a loud attacking noise that frightens me. that's been going on for a few years.

My illness and the enemy uses scripture to back up it's messages as well.
One of the primary ones for a time was the verses that talk about hearing the voice of the Holy Spirit. in particular the one that says not to harden your heart when you hear it and of course, to do what it says. This voice, for me, was not the Holy Spirit, but my  illness that was referenced to me personally. (that sentence is hard to put down right now...forgive me for it's unclarity).

This is similar to what Satan did to Jesus in the desert. He used scriptures to tempt him and twisted the scriptures to try to deceive Him.
Nevertheless, Jesus Christ, while here on earth, just as i need to, took scripture to then defeat Satan.
An example for using scripture, which is my Sword of the Spirit (as it's called in Ephesians) when my illness or when satan attacks me:
I may get a voice that tells me something about my environment. Something i struggled with all day every day for a long time, particularly in '09, was voices like: "you see that lamp you got? you love that lamp. couldn't be better" in a dry, emotionless, almost mocking tone.
my emotional reaction is disconcertion and fear and alarm.
my mind is also confused and scrambling to sort through why i heard this and is it God or is it my illness, or is it me, or is it Satan. and why am i getting a voice?
i end up being only taxed, in pain, afraid, frustrated, alone, and confused.
God's word says that Jesus Christ has come that we might have life and have it to it's full. The enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy (what my illness does as well). It also says to come to Him all who are weary and heavy laden and He will give us rest for our souls. Voices and impressions do not give me rest for my soul. They take from that.
Also, God is the Prince of Peace...
He will never leave me nor forsake me.
He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
And even if a voice or impression is true, like the example given above, it does anything to set me free, unlike the Truth God gives: in His word and through the gentle convictions of His Holy Spirit about matters that are life altering and very meaningful to Him and that He wants to be meaningful to us.
Also, the fruits of His Holy Spirit are not derision, fear, confusion, doubt, but love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and self control.
His desire is for His children and believers in Christ to increase in faith, hope, and love, and righteousness, peace, and joy. i admit, i've been praying for these six spiritual fruits for a long time, even when in deep depression and psychosis, when i sensed anything but. but now, after these trials, i can say i am increasing in these things, but also have more compassion for those who are now going through what i went through, and still go through in some ways.
i believe i've had, by God's grace, faith, hope and love and righteousness, which have kept me from ever doing something to hurt myself (unless it was a naive attempt to diet crazily), or wanting to, and that the peace and joy are now growing more in me.
Another verse in the Bible that helps me to block the illness's lies and effects is that God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind!
Also, he is not the author of confusion, but of peace!

I apologize for not including the scripture references here.
It's really late, and my mind is a bit taxed.

I had a good day overall.
i went to the thrift store i haven't been to in weeks, due to their unfriendly staff and the store not making shopping there easier and possible, particularly with the clothes (no mirrors, and nasty/price-barrier dressing rooms).
i got a lot of housewares, though. no mirror needed for that, as my mom said today.
i got primarily stainless steel and glass decor. nothing was above $4!
i need to shine everything up.
i also found a lovely st. john's bay purse...i think it's leather...in a shade that matches a couple of leather pairs of shoes i have. just $3. lovely big pockets and a silver buckle snap in the front.
i enjoyed bringing it to the meeting tonight.

for clothing now, as fashion is a hobby for me (mostly since late '09), i go to goodwill or plato's closet (a consignment store).

i did go on a tangent a day ago for about 24 hours of wanting to lose a lot of weight.
i've gained weight this month that i definitely don't want hanging around any longer, and i don't want to gain any more either.
after 100% surety of wanting lose all the weight i've mostly peaceably gained since the beginning of September, i decided i wanted to continue enjoying the clothes i recently got in my size--some which i haven't gotten to wear yet.
i decided to just lose enough--about 10 pounds--to where i'm more comfortable and my clothes fit better. nothing obsessive. nothing drastic.
i am going to do so by doing what's worked for the last 10 years of my life: eating wholesome foods in limited quantities that don't tempt me to overeat (whole grains and veggies) and going to the store every day, so i don't have excess food sitting around to tempt me to eat more than i need in a day.
also, i will be more ambitious to move more, particularly through cleaning the house, dancing (i did for the first time last night--whoah, a bit different with more weight), and, yes, shopping. not kidding. it can be a workout, especially with clothing.

still practicing guitar most nights. discovering new artists and their songs as well.
pandora.com is great for that.

well, i guess i leave this blog with a lighter note tonight.
thank you for reading.

--His Beloved