taming the voices

So taking the Fanapt didn't go over very well. Within six days, I started having full blown psychotic episodes. In between them, I was having severe impressions that came across as God leading me to do or not do things, and voices to tell me what to do or not do or about something in my environment. This is a common trait of my experience with schizoaffective disorder. 

The psychotic episodes this week contained everything from voices in my head that seemed like God or a demon, impressions, and visual, auditory, smell, and touch hallucinations. 

The impressions got to the point of telling me not to write a line in my journal, to not drink from my water bottle, to not be at Starbucks, to not get potatoes at the store, to eat or not eat such and such, ect. 

Side effect wise, I hated Fanapt. Though the Amantadine kept the jerking of my limbs at bay at night, when I reached 6 mg, my head started to feel like I had a clamp on the right and left of my brain and it was being squeezed. And then the uncomfortable dry mouth (constant drinking of water and discomfort when talking). 

Some of the most trying voices in my head were the ones the night before my psychiatrist appointment and when I was in the psychiatrist's office. They were warning me to stay on the Fanapt and not go back on Trilifon, which is what I wanted to do. 

I've been on Trilifon before and had pretty good success as far as side effects and psychosis go. I had little voices--mainly just at night, if any--and some negative impressions that I felt were coming from God when I said "Jesus Christ," as I prayed to Him. It felt like being rejected.

Course this occurs, even when on other meds, like Saphris and Fanapt. 

But considering where the Fanapt was leading me, it was a much better sounding option. 

While in the psychiatrist's office, we discussed my psychotic experiences and my thought to go on Trilifon. I told her of the voices I thought were God telling me not to, and the voice--as she ordered in the prescription of Trilifon--that was screaming and warning me to not take the Trilifon. Next thing I knew, the animal figurines in her office started turning into eery, demonic-like creatures jumping out at me. One animal in my history that I've been haunted by in the past is a cat, which was on her door. Others were horses and cows and the like. Very scary. I told her I was hallucinating. When objects take on a whole new nature, like an ornate design that turns into a scary face--very common for me--or faces on magazines, books, or photos start to mock me or spook me--I call them visual hallucinations. Rarely do I see objects appear out of nothing. It happens, but rarely. 

So I left her office feeling I'd rebelled against God and that I was to face consequences with the Trilifon. My main fear is and was my hair falling out more.

I called my dad, who's in Tennessee, and told him about it. He told me it was all my illness and not God telling me what to do. Even then, my illness tried to convince me that I wasn't talking to my dad, but a demon. This has happened before. 

Anyhow, voices are tough for me...to sort through what's what. 

I've been taking Trilifon, 4 mg, and Fanapt, 4 mg, for the last three days. The first night I had electric shocks in my head and had to lay upright. The second night, I got to sleep with no problem. I thank Jesus Christ for that, as I prayed over the meds before taking them. Last night, I felt a weird surge start to well up in my head, so I laid upright. I slept plenty though, so I'm thankful. 

My dreams have been pretty colorful and animated, some very disturbing. 

Tonight, I'll take 2 mg Fanapt, and 8 mg.Trilifon, and will continue that for 5 days, and then stop taking the Fanapt. 

One thing about Trilifon, as I discovered before when taking it, is I have to have a certain brand with the fewest side effects, which is at a pharmacy in the next town. It’s a drive, but I’m thankful for the option.

So we'll see how it goes, keeping it in prayer and asking God to bless it. 

One excellent sign of improvement is that the voices and impressions are way down since the first night of taking trilifon. It's most like partly the trilifon, part God's intervention, and then me ignoring them. The other types of hallucinations aren't there. Wonderful. 

My main concern with the trilifon is that I won't develop extrapyramidal symptoms that are even too heavy for a side effect med to eliminate. And of course, the big one: that it won't make my hair fall out more. 

My hair has been falling out a lot in the last week. Very troubling. 

It has to stop sometime. 

One night, I cried out to God, in fear that I was going to go bald. My part had gotten very wide, and hairs were falling left and right. My psychiatrist assured me I wouldn't, while explaining how the hair falls once the follicle has died. 

I'm still getting very strong impressions every time I pray as I look at, think about, touch, or drink my splenda sweetened sodas that I adore. Again, the voice in my head that came when I prayed for an answer for my hair, said on two occasions that it was the splenda that is causing my hair to fall out. Just now, I had 3/4 a can, but was getting impressions every time I drank it. I'm praying that God will reveal any lies that the enemy or my illness have thrown or are throwing at me. I am aware that the enemy has come to kill, steal and destroy, and Jesus Christ has come that we might have life and life more abundantly. John 10:10

But it's hard for me to discern what's God and what's not, when I get these impressions and voices immediately upon praying. 

Something good happened in regards to my hair since yesterday, however. I went over to my neighbor's house to help her fold laundry. She's caring for her aging and ill husband and doesn't have time. It was such a pleasant experience. I folded three loads as she attended to her husband and talked to me intermittently. Toward the end, I told her about my hair. She highly recommended a brush that she uses. It's called The Mason Pearson, made in London, England. They start at $80, according to the site I looked at last night, and go up to $200! Even though I'm OCD and was reluctant, she gave me the brush she'd been using for 10 years, since she had two. She showed me with her other brush how she brushes her hair, leaning her head over to allow the blood in the scalp to circulate, massaging her hair with the brush. She has gorgeous, very long, blond, shiny hair. She recommended washing my hair in cold water to close the pores. She urged me not to use the comb I've been ignorantly using, nor to comb my hair when wet. She ultra sanitized the brush, and I sanitized it again at home. I love it. It makes my hair look so much healthier and fuller. 

Furthermore, I looked up online about how to eliminate dandruff (I have developed dandruff, which is known to cause hair loss), hair loss, and itching. I discovered the idea of rinsing with apple cider vinegar. So last night I did so, and finished with cold water. My hair has been very shiny and healthier looking today.

I'm getting an impression not to write what I was going to write next. 

I can't help but just close the entry now and write about it when I'm not getting impressions. 

Thank you for reading. 

I hope you have a lovely week. 

- His beloved