I am working on a blog post that talks of what I've been through since March.
But for now, I'll just post something brief about what's going on right now.
I recently changed doctors. I had my first appointment last friday and have one again this thursday.
I am seeing a therapist twice a week, and then having a phone session once a week. She is being a good support.
I am currently on Fanapt. I go up to 6 mg tonight. I am also taking Amantadine for side effects. It seems to be helping.
It's been so hard in the last few weeks, as I had to quit taking Saphris, as it was causing major tremors, restlessness, muscle clenching, feverishness and sweating. very scary.
However, upon withdrawing from it, my hair started to fall out and my anxiety and panic attacks began to hit. I've never had anxiet y and panic attacks like this in my life. The kind that seizes your body with aches and pain. I was sleeping 1-3 hours many nights. With time, I began having major jerking of my limbs, nerve spasms and pulsing, and electric like shocks to my head.
I had my psychiatrist, my old one, call me in Lorazepam. I will discuss later about how that went over.
It doesn't make me that drowsy, but i believe it's calmed the panic attacks. It's a combination of that and prayer and deliverance.
I'm going through a lot also with my skin. I suffered from acne from '04, when I came down with schizoaffective disorder, but it was primarily from '07-'09 that it was at its worse. In March '10, I went on a gluten free diet for my stomach's sake, and the acne and scars began to clear. By August, I could go without any makeup and feel confident. Around April, I began having acne on my chest and shoulders. It then started up on my face and neck and has gotten worse by the month. I believe it's worse than it was even in '09.
I'm getting tons of impressions and some voices. It all mostly seems to be God talking to me or impressing upon me things I should do or shouldn't do.
Today, I went ahead and went to Plato's Closet, even though I was getting a strong impression that seemed like God to not go. While in the store, I heard a voice over and over again say in a repremanding, angry tone "you rebelled" and "you sinned."
When I asked God as I left the store what the voices were all about, I heard "it was a lie."
I got an impression tonight to sew my camisole that had come undone at the strap. I did.
There's other things I'm doing in my life regularly that I don't know whether are sins or not. I get impressions or voices telling me to do certain things and then impressions voices telling me not to the very same thing. I don't know what to do.
My hair loss has been such a trial and a major source of the anxiety and panic attacks and sleeplessness.
It's so scary to watch my hair come out strand by strand, to see it all over the floor at night, after just sweeping it up that morning.
Right now I'm getting an impression.
My hair has gotten a lot thinner and my scalp looks more bare where I part my hair. The curly wispies I had that framed my face are a lot less. When I gather my hair, it feels so thin.
I went to a healing service last week at an Episcopal church and was prayed over. It was such a sweet experience. I went with my dad. I cried so much. I really felt Jesus Christ's presence, the comfort of the Holy Spirit, the love of God and of others.
I've been believing and keeping the faith that God healed me that night and is healing me. I feel so bad though that I've been doubting in the last day or so, cause when I comb my hair or run my fingers through it (which I keep to a minimum), strands come out each time. So terrifying.
I just want things to be better. I want my good skin back. I desperately need my hair to not fall out anymore and to now grow back. I don't want impressions and voices. I don't want to feel like I've disobeyed God every smidget and step of my life and that He's going to punish me (i've had real fears of my hair getting worse as a "discipline" or "punishment") for doing so and to feel He is disapproving of me all the time. I know God is loving, compassionate, and merciful. I know He forgives me for my sin. But right now, I don't know where I'm going wrong, for I think God is telling me to do or not do this or that, and if I don't do it or do it it's a sin.
I feel so alone.
I know Jesus Christ is with me. He will never leave me nor forsake me.
He has blessed me with so, so much. I am so thankful for these things.
I guess I better go get ready for bed.
My mom comes in from Tennessee tomorrow. She's been gone for weeks to help my grandmother, who's been in the hospital.
I've missed her so much.
I hope this finds you well.
I appreciate you reading.
- His beloved
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. --Psalm 46:1
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