random musings

Hi ya'll. 

I went tonight to the NAMI meeting, held once a week. 

My mom or dad takes me and they go to the family NAMI group, held at the same time. 

On the way there and back, it's a great time to talk, particularly about my illness or whatever else comes up. 

I haven't gone in two weeks, but a fellow attendee encouraged me this week to go, so i was thankful for the push to return. 

I am so thankful i did, for i was greatly encouraged and was able to say some good things to others. 

it's so much better than isolating as well. 

it's an opportunity to shine the light of Christ and love others. learn about others and myself. speak the truth in love. and, again, spend time with my parents.

The following are thoughts that came to me in two emails I just sent out to a couple of friends from NAMI meetings, so I apologize, it's a bit scattered sometimes.

Something that's going on tonight is that I feel like God is pulling away from me cause i'm not praying enough, due to the discouraging impressions that make me feel like I've failed or am failing Him every time i pray. These impressions do not inspire love, faith, and hope in me that Jesus Christ came to give me.
Recently my skin cleared up a lot, so tonight I'm getting lies attacking me telling me that I'm putting more confidence in my appearance rather than God, so God is going to let me have skin problems again because of it, so i'll look  to Him more instead of the relief of having less skin troubles (i've had for 7 years)
Can you see how tormenting and CONFUSING all this is?
God is NOT the author of confusion, fear, torment...He is the author of LOVE, peace, joy, righteousness, goodness, mercy, grace!
This is the truth, as well as other biblical truths, I have to look to when all is messy within me and around me...when i feel like a complete mess and failure and like God's going to allow worse things to come into my life cause of it. Garbage and lies.
I feel really sad and alone tonight because of this psychological and emotional experience. 

Lately, I'll get a impression/voice in my head when i suspect that i've received a message from my illness. It'll say something, like "what?" in a coy way. like: "what? i didn't say anything. hehe." evil. it's my illness. i hate it.

And of course, praise God, it's now rare that i receive messages from my environment that taunt me. For instance tonight, I was thinking about something that was on a billboard that we passed and the message on the billboard taunted me about it. I sighed within and gave it to God with urgency. 

that used to happen incessantly, for instance, with magazine covers in stores, books, pictures of art in my house, ect.

I'm thinking about someone I heard say recently that humor is what keeps him going. I like that he has a sense of humor. Nothing wrong with that. It helps me a great deal at times too. But I feel bad that that's all he says he has.
I pray that soon he will have faith in God. That's kept me alive...kept me from being suicidal. Jesus Christ has healed me of so much in regards to my illnesses. He's been so patient with me. So loving and merciful.
His word has helped me in times when I need to look to the Truth instead of listening to harsh voices and impressions that the illness puts forth as  Him (but aren't).
 

My thoughts and emotions are kind of taxed tonight.
I don't feel God's love. I know it's there, but my illness is stealing any sense of joy and peace and any sense of God's love tonight.
It's crazy, but the illness even uses scriptures against me and places horrendous guilt on me when i don't comply to what it's telling me to do, with the scripture backing it up. for instance, tonight, i was going to email a guy I'll call Luke from NAMI before i got an email from another NAMI attendee I'll call Lori. when i got her email, I was going to reply after emailing Luke...but then the verse: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you attacked me...and i felt terrible for doing anything but emailing Lori before Luke. ack! can you believe this?

Apart from the illness's frustrations, I tried to play some songs and record them, but I failed all like 15 takes.

Do you ever feel like everything is just falling apart?

I have so much to be thankful for, but it's just not been a happy night.
I'm sorry for a dampered post.

I've spoken of a guy in other posts that robbed me of so much for years. it took me years to heal in my mind and emotions, because of his abuse.

...my first official bf...he kind of courted me at an extremely eccentric coffeehouse. i first met him at another coffeehouse back in '06, when i was playing guitar in front of it in an alcove. 

i only intended to bring light into dark places back then, but it ended up snuffing out my light almost completely and led me down some very ungodly, immoral, and very ill and dark places.
I had no idea where i was going, as i was being told to do things from my illness, 100% believing and being convinced by my illness that it was God...the Holy Spirit.
I thought i was going to help him change and bring more beauty and purity and light to his life. The darkness--it was so dark--of his life and lifestyle and environment overtook me.
i just found out something not fun tonight. my homeless brother is in town still. he was here all through Christmas, though he didn't see me of hte family. that's something i talked about last week at NAMI. 

my mom told me tonight that he's been hanging out at the coffee house where this man and i hung out before i moved in in '06.

if i drive by there now, i see it and am so thankful i'm not where i was when i was going there in '06-'07 when i met the man. not on my meds, manic, hearing voices and doing what they said to do, and going from the light to more darkness, rather than the other way around.
while living with him, living a sinful lifestyle, he and my illness were telling me we were married. he was an evil man that just used me.
but i was too naive, delusional, and deceived to get out before nearly being crushed by the darkness there and had no choice but to.

i ended up in the hospital and a group home about three months after moving in, worse off--in many ways--than ever before, particularly in regards to my illness symptoms. That was the first time I hallucinated and heard voices outside of myself.
these are hard things to talk about, but i believe God uses all things for good and He has:
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.--Romans 8:28

One good thing is that i can relate to those who have gone through things similar, whether it may be you, someone you know, or someone at NAMI, a friend, or a family member.

I had to choose to look to God and put Him first again back in '07, and not my bf...soon then to be x, by God's grace.
i've never been the one to suggest a breakup, no matter how bad the man or situation was. God's preserved me from three bad relationships and/or marriages.
Thank God, i didn't start dating till i was 26. not common in these days.

I wish I had stayed with my parents after losing my first big job in '06, and had kept being creative, pure, godly, and true to myself, but i ventured out and met the wrong person and people that pulled me down, again, thinking I could bring the light of Christ into dark places, where He was not known.

i am thankful to God i got through college being away from anyone i knew for about 2.5 years. the rest was at a local college...that was a good place to start, as i had the support and buffer of my parents.
i became ill and diagnosed the semester before graduating in '04 and had to come home for like a year and heal and get stronger to return.

I haven't always been helpful for my parents while living here. They have almost always been gracious and forgiving to me, particularly in '07, when they paid for my hospital and group home stays, and came to visit me when they could, though i had moved out against there wishes, moving in with someone.

It wasn't until about late '09 that i really started to come out of a huge depression and become more confident and expressive and ME.
Also when depressed and deep in one's illness, it is usually hard to do the smallest thing or feel motivated. For instance, being that i was essentially starving myself--so i could maintain my size 0-3 jeans size--and very deep in my illness and depression in '08'-09, i remember simply ironing something or vacuuming the carpet was a mountain to climb, and i did feel so ashamed of that.

Now, i want to give out. love, serve. give.
and remember for Whom i'm doing it for: Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people... --Ephesians 6:7
I don't every day...clean of whatnot, and i do feel bad for that, especially with my bad sleep schedule--right now, i'm getting to sleep around 4-5 and getting up at like 2 or so--but i ask God to forgive me for my unproductive times.
God has been so patient with me throughout my whole life. 2 peter 3:9

I am mostly healed from all that was inflicted upon me in '06-'07, in particular the things that the man i've spoken of said to me and what he did to me. 

praise Jesus Christ for healing me!

I do, however, due to the experiences in my illness, the damaging of my brain, and being off my meds mainly in '06-'07, my illness's experiences have been even more complex and multifaceted, particularly when i've been on the wrong meds or have gone off of my meds once again. 

I will no longer attempt to go off of my meds, particularly the ones for helping my psychotic symptoms. Each time i do, it sets me back. 

Well, it's about 3:30 a.m here. 

I so apologize if this post is flooded with grammatical mistakes and rambling or repetition. I apologize if it's redundant with other posts. 

I wanted to get a post out however.  I think one a week is good, perhaps more than that in the future.

bless you and thank you for reading.

--His beloved.