making some progress

I'm finally getting to writing my second post. 

I'm not all that gusto about doing so, but some events have happened and it's right to keep the blog and you up to date with them. 

recently, as i mentioned on the last blog, i have been getting very strong impressions to not sing or play anything but Christian and worship songs on the guitar. I have very recently, after prayer and tears, come to the conclusion and truth that being told that i'm a terrible person cause i won't play only Christian songs (this is an abbreviated version of what all i'm told in my head and heart during my practice/play sessions, as well as when not) does anything but inspire me to want to worship God through music. I know that God fills me with His Holy Spirit to do what He wants me to do and inspires me to do what He wants me to do. He puts the hunger and desire to do what pleases Him. The impressions and/or voices do the exact opposite. they make me feel TERRIBLE about myself, freak me out, and keep me from doing ANYTHING. I literally didn't play for a few days because of these experiences and discouragements. My joy I have in playing the guitar was robbed.

So, without praying beforehand or during much, i courageously had a very successful practice/play session the night before last. God opened my heart and put a sense of love and worship for Him in my heart while playing some worship songs--not because i HAD to but because i wanted to. I ended up crying after several worship Christian songs. This was after happily/clear-mindedly playing some secular songs without much intrusions or guilt....much better than lately!

I ended with the song Beautiful by Kari Jobe. When it started to talk about God singing over me, I started crying, cause i truly sensed God's love and not the crap that comes from an impression or voice that my illness presents to me as God. So it was wonderful...especially cause I couldn't sing anymore due to crying, but the song was talking about God singing over me...so even though I couldn't, He was lovingly singing over me in essence...
We love Him, cause He loved us first. 1 John 4:19

I told my mom about it in tears (makeup everywhere). She was happy for me.

She encouraged me to blog about what I told her at the end of our short conversation...about my illness being a bully that's always there, like at school or something. I told her that I've been praying for some time how much or little to bring my illness and it's experiences out in the open to others. The answer to my prayer is that it will only kill me inside to not. Like i told her, my experience of scizoaffective disorder (or at least some aspects of it) would be like having a 24/7 bully, never knowing when it would bear its ugly head, and never telling anyone about its abuse. I must talk about it and what it's doing to me to someone. for me, this has been my mom and dad, Grandmother, and my NAMI support group.

I am slowly becoming more appropriately vocal about my painful experiences with my illness, whether it's what is happening in the moment (that's the hardest to do), to what happened in the last few days, or years.
Also, i'm finding by doing so, i can see the truth of my illness more clearly by the equinanimous responses and opinions and perspectives i get from others. 

I had a very good, short, but sweet psychiatrist appointment yesterday, for the first time in two months. My psychiatrist had called in sick, though, but a nurse practitioner was there. I was anticipating just getting a prescription, but ended up sharing, as she inquired how i was doing...she was very sweet. i liked her. 

That's all for now ya'll. Yes, there is a lot more, but I'm not up to writing anymore...

It's been one of those days of experiencing frustration from common life experiences that leads to being furious...I don't like being like that! I'm praying for God to help me and for the experiences to subside.

Furthermore, last night, I spent the night alone in my room crying--something I've recently been doing more, which is good--due to relational matter than i experienced that day.

Things are better now, as i've come up with a temporary band aid for the situation, but it's not fixed. It's a matter i've faced nearly my whole life.

Anyhow, I will keep it in prayer and do what I can to not let it steal my joy anymore than it has.

The eating is going well. I'm listening to my body more, instead of obsessively counting calories. I used to binge, but haven't in a while (a binge, according to my experience and research, is when you eat so much that you're sick and in pain). I don't want to do that to myself or feel like that.

I'm so praising God cause my gluten intolerant symptoms are currently in remission, for the most part. I'm having less stomach issues and skin break-outs. So, at least for now, i'm able to eat gluten without being concerned for the consequences.

Lovely.

Just a quick FIY, I became GI in about February of '10 and ate nothing but G free foods most of the year. My skin cleared and my stomach wasn't upset.

However, i was also starving myself and went from a size 12 to 0 in a few short months. I am currently, after a few months of making peace with my body and eating, with God's help, am a healthy size 14. : )

I told a girl in the waiting room yesterday about my weight gain and she could hardly believe it.

I don't want to be anything but what comes healthfully and naturally for me now. I will get into my ED experiences in another post sometime.

Thank you for reading.

I hope your day is going well.

His beloved