i've had a better day and things are going better since i've specifically prayed for God to lead me despite my definite decision and determination to ignore the impressions to do this or that or not do this or that. this decision was made like a day ago.
i smiled more and laughed more today.
i ignored the impressions and actually got less of them.
i had more joy and peace, which is what God gives and what He wants for me.
i talked to my grandmother tonight about it.
she lives in tennessee.
she was happy to hear things are better.
i have hope, cause though i was convinced 100% that the voices were God (again, due to the nature of my kind of schizoaffective disorder),
i am now 100% convinced they are not him, so i know now i'm on my way with the impressions!
i still hear voices and they disturb me, but i don't get them as much, cause of God's healing and grace, the truth that came out finally that they are not God, and me ignoring them.
a note about the voices, they can also be evil voices. i get those mainly when i'm really ill and not on meds or the right meds.
God says in His word to increase in faith, hope, and love and righteousness, peace and joy. I have told God I want to do His will and I want these things.
I want to live a holy life and follow after the Holy Spirit.
so i've asked Him to plant in me the desires He wants for my life in my heart so that i desire them and do them, with His strength.
i feel like i'm diving into the deep end...it's good...cause it's an act of faith, a very uncommon, unusual one.
to have faith that God will still guide me and love me.
and i just have to believe He is.
i am asking Him to make the impressions stop.
as a friend at NAMI told me the other night, she wished she had a voice telling her what to do when she doesn't know what to do.
it seems like it would be comforting. initially it was, but the nature of this illness is for the voices and whatnot to "affect" the emotions in a negative way.
and that's what happens when i get a voice or impression.
sure it was bittersweet when i was bored and depressed, but it made me more depressed, cause the voices are flat, not loving, and go nowhere, with no comfort, depth, or purpose.
it is so wonderful to be at this point of some victory over my illness.
i give God the glory for His light, peace, truth, healing, and grace.
i was reading last night in the Bible a scripture that i believe God was speaking to me through: "whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work." --2 Corinthians 9:6-8
when i get an impression to do something, it's like a compulsive/abrupt leading and a harsh demand to do it or else...not from my heart at all! and definitely not cheer-inspiring.
i only feel reluctant to do something, or under compulsion, when the impressions come.
the grace of God is what really stuck out in this scripture. God gives grace and sufficiency...the ability to do good things and His will. His Holy Spirit moves through believers of Christ.
when the Holy Spirit is working in me, it feels natural, not forced. i am more loving and gentle, peaceable, patient and kind. that's what it means to shine one's light in the dark places. be Christ to a lost world.
that's what i want to do. not reluctantly, or under some forceful/abrubt command...but cause God loves that others, loves me and wants me to love God and my neighbor. He wants us to live holy and pure lives through His enabling and grace.
mental illnesses are very painful and challenging to live with and work through, no matter what the nature of the illness is.
but i am thankful, with God, there's hope and healing.
A friend from the NAMI meetings I attend called me today.
it was a pleasant conversation.
i was mainly trying to encourage him, listen, and relate any experiences of my own to him.
my mom went to the nami family to family group tonight.
bless her. i feel bad she has to go, though she wants to, cause i feel she's doing it for me.
i thank her.
i ignored the impressions and actually got less of them.
i had more joy and peace, which is what God gives and what He wants for me.
i talked to my grandmother tonight about it.
she lives in tennessee.
she was happy to hear things are better.
i have hope, cause though i was convinced 100% that the voices were God (again, due to the nature of my kind of schizoaffective disorder),
i am now 100% convinced they are not him, so i know now i'm on my way with the impressions!
i still hear voices and they disturb me, but i don't get them as much, cause of God's healing and grace, the truth that came out finally that they are not God, and me ignoring them.
a note about the voices, they can also be evil voices. i get those mainly when i'm really ill and not on meds or the right meds.
God says in His word to increase in faith, hope, and love and righteousness, peace and joy. I have told God I want to do His will and I want these things.
I want to live a holy life and follow after the Holy Spirit.
so i've asked Him to plant in me the desires He wants for my life in my heart so that i desire them and do them, with His strength.
i feel like i'm diving into the deep end...it's good...cause it's an act of faith, a very uncommon, unusual one.
to have faith that God will still guide me and love me.
and i just have to believe He is.
i am asking Him to make the impressions stop.
as a friend at NAMI told me the other night, she wished she had a voice telling her what to do when she doesn't know what to do.
it seems like it would be comforting. initially it was, but the nature of this illness is for the voices and whatnot to "affect" the emotions in a negative way.
and that's what happens when i get a voice or impression.
sure it was bittersweet when i was bored and depressed, but it made me more depressed, cause the voices are flat, not loving, and go nowhere, with no comfort, depth, or purpose.
it is so wonderful to be at this point of some victory over my illness.
i give God the glory for His light, peace, truth, healing, and grace.
i was reading last night in the Bible a scripture that i believe God was speaking to me through: "whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work." --2 Corinthians 9:6-8
when i get an impression to do something, it's like a compulsive/abrupt leading and a harsh demand to do it or else...not from my heart at all! and definitely not cheer-inspiring.
i only feel reluctant to do something, or under compulsion, when the impressions come.
the grace of God is what really stuck out in this scripture. God gives grace and sufficiency...the ability to do good things and His will. His Holy Spirit moves through believers of Christ.
when the Holy Spirit is working in me, it feels natural, not forced. i am more loving and gentle, peaceable, patient and kind. that's what it means to shine one's light in the dark places. be Christ to a lost world.
that's what i want to do. not reluctantly, or under some forceful/abrubt command...but cause God loves that others, loves me and wants me to love God and my neighbor. He wants us to live holy and pure lives through His enabling and grace.
mental illnesses are very painful and challenging to live with and work through, no matter what the nature of the illness is.
but i am thankful, with God, there's hope and healing.
A friend from the NAMI meetings I attend called me today.
it was a pleasant conversation.
i was mainly trying to encourage him, listen, and relate any experiences of my own to him.
my mom went to the nami family to family group tonight.
bless her. i feel bad she has to go, though she wants to, cause i feel she's doing it for me.
i thank her.
family to family is an educational course through NAMI that teaches family of people with mental illnesses about their illness.
My mom and I got to talk some today.
i was chatty today. more perky.
most definitely a God thing and cause i have less weight on my mind and depressive reactions to impressions...cause i don't feel confined to them and under their weight. i don't have to be. i'm choosing not to be.
My mom and I got to talk some today.
i was chatty today. more perky.
most definitely a God thing and cause i have less weight on my mind and depressive reactions to impressions...cause i don't feel confined to them and under their weight. i don't have to be. i'm choosing not to be.
i must renounce the impressions that intrude on my conversations and emails with people that tell me that i'm saying the WRONG THING.
paleeze. it's like, how discouraging and discomforting and confidence ending is that?
so, not God.
done with that. if they come, i'll just give it to God and think better thoughts to replace them...overcoming evil with good, as God's word says to.
They came today when i was on the phone and while emailing a friend.
I am thankful for friends and family that are acting as (caring) sounding boards and hearts for me in my expression of my struggles with my illness and working through it with God's help. I believe God can heal me and I give Him the glory for the good and the healing i've experienced particularly in the last year.
I am thankful for friends and family that are acting as (caring) sounding boards and hearts for me in my expression of my struggles with my illness and working through it with God's help. I believe God can heal me and I give Him the glory for the good and the healing i've experienced particularly in the last year.
the fact that others that care about me do not undermine the intensity or magnitude of my struggle and suffering is big.
i will stop now.
i will stop now.
thank you for reading.
i hope you are well and good today.
--His beloved
i love you. well done.
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